Holiday time....

I'm off on holiday tomorrow, 2 weeks in Thailand and I'm so looking forward to it. I'm going with my best mate, we are going to travel round some as well but basically I'm looking forward to some warm sun and relaxation. I had the best start to it last night when I went for a weigh in at my Lighter life group I'm still maintaining my weight which is fantastic I'm so proud of myself. The best thing is I have gained muscle from all the exercise I'm doing so I have lost fat content top stay the same weight. It's going to take time to lose my love handles but I have the incentive now to keep doing what I've been doing as it works. I'm going to say it again I'm very proud of myself.

Clocks gone back

Had a great night out last night, met some old friends for a meal and some drinks. I felt comfortable all evening which was really nice. I met someone who has ridden to Paris as well which was very interesting, hopefully I'll get to meet up with him again as it would be very good to chat more about it. I'm going to go for a swim this morning as the weather isn't the best, the plan is to start swimming more in the week so this morning will be a good opportunity to see how I get on. I'm hoping to swim for 30-40 mins along with some exercise before I leave and cycling there and back I think it will count as a good workout. It was so nice getting compliments about my weight last night, I'm doing the exercise for me but compliments are always an added bonus. My aim is to change my body shape which will take time but I'm choosing to do it and I'm going to succeed. My love handles will be gone eventually they are being pretty stubborn though lol. I need to be doing my reading again in the mornings and my blogging as well, I can sometimes let it go astray but I just need to remind myself to do it. I was trying to use the mirroring technique last night it felt a bit strange but I think I managed it for several brief moments, it definitely takes me out of my comfort zone but I have got my holiday to work at it and get used to doing it.

Had a great night last night I need to try and work on my conversation skills though. I'm amazed how tactile I was, very touchy feely I think I was ok though and didn't make anyone feel uncomfortable. There were some very nice young ladies there and I'm intending to stay in touch via face book. I did very well coming home and didn't going buying any crap food. I did have mixed seafood when I got home though which was to close to bed time but it was ok. I'm heading out cycling this morning, it's very cold out though I have even put my heating on. I'm going to meet Ray up in Islington later for the rugby world cup final. I'm hoping to go for a cycle in the morning as well but it will only be a 20 mile one. I have got to work tomorrow, driving up to Liverpool ready for unloading on Monday morning. The instruction has been given for them to hire another driver so hopefully when they have I can get back to running my warehouse. Only 2 weeks until my holiday, I can so not wait it will be here very soon I'm confident I'm going to have a great time. It will be good to spend time with my best friend Ray. It's quite good the way I'm feeling at the moment especially after some exercising, I get a real buzz in the mornings after the cycle and exercise session, I'm going to try and keep it going into my future I like the new fit me and I'm going to keep it up.

Thursday update

Had a good day but had to work hard, food wise I'm doing really well I'm very proud of myself. As for the exercise I'm doing fantastically this morning I completed 45 proper press-ups 100 up right crunches 100 on the spot running things followed by cycling to work, once there I did another 30 press-ups and 70 proper crunches. It definitely makes me feel amazing and even a couple of people at work noticed commenting was I on speed. I had chicken breasts with cold beans and sweet corn with a baked potato. I'm going shopping in a bit I'm not really concerned about it except I would like to treat myself with some cookies I know with the way I have been behaving this week then it wouldn't hurt for me to have it. I'm going to see how I feel when I'm there but if I am tempted then I'm just going to enjoy them.
I attempted to listen to a P mckenna cd last night but fell a sleep 5 minutes in, it is being recomended by someone on a forum that I visit. I'l give it another go later on tonight. I have got a busy weekend ahead which I'm really looking forward to. I haven't got a session with Mohamed this week but I think the break will be rewarding. I have got to have a look at self sabotage before next week. I will make time this week to have a look at this.

Having a good week so far, I have worked lots of hours which is a pain but the money will be nice for my holiday so I'm not complaining. The funny thing is I haven't felt tired at all and I haven't felt hungry either which considering I have been out driving is a nice change that makes things a lot easier to deal with. I spent the night out in the lorry Monday night which was my first one for nearly 2 years, I slept well but it's not something that I miss at all. I'm keeping my exercise regime up and I'm sure that is something to do with my new found energy. It is something I'm intending to keep part of my daily routine. I must try and find a way of implementing it on days when I'm not cycling though along with some more exercise to get it nearer an hour.
Funny how things we use to do without suddenly become so important my mobile went flat yesterday and I was completely lost without it even though it doesn't ring that often during the day it was very weird being without it. Food wise I have done really well this week so far, I need to try and just have 1 muller rice in the evening though rather than 2 but apart from that my mood and my food intake have remained level. I'm going to post a picture finally I know it's been longer than I said but better late than never I guess. It was taken on Sunday just before I set off on my great cycle back from Worthing. I hate photos being taken of me and I never think I look that great in them but I have to admit I don't think I look to bad.
I nearly forgot I saw customers yesterday when I was out delivering that I hadn't seen for nearly 2 years and they nearly didn't recognise me, they couldn't get over how young I looked and how slim I was. I guess although sometimes I don't see it myself I have obviously changed for the better and it's about time I stared taking that on board and dealing with it. The nice thing in that is the little bit of weight I'm trying to lose now is just a mindd thing rather than a physical need, which means I can do it in a sensible manner rather than having to panic.

goals.

Wow !!!!! I have just cycled back from Durrington, a total of 50 miles in a fantastic 3 hrs 4 mins an average speed of 16.4 mph. I worked really hard and my heart rate was an average of 138 beats per minute which is a great average and I was in the target range for 3 hrs out of 3 hrs 30 minutes. I am so proud of myself for the way I kept my head down and worked at reaching my goal of getting home. This is a real example to myself of how I can reach goals that I set myself and in fact exceed the goal that I set myself. It is about time that I started getting more pleasure from succeeding at goals I reach rather than wollowing in the greatness of failure. I am going to shout about my seccesses from now on.

3 week target

I'm going to head back to basics for the next 3 weeks, taking things 1 day at a time. I'm going to do a weeks shopping, making sure I have everything I require for the week and then I'm going to leave my wallet out of my reach. I know if I keep exercising and eat sensibly then I can lose weight and get to where I'm choosing to be namely 13 st 7 lbs. I realize that I have basically had a full week of over eating, just because I'm buying little cubes of dark chocolate it doesn't help when I eat 10 or 12 cubes a night. Same as cheese I cannot just come home and head to the fridge and break off lumps of it and eat it. Biscuits I know I have just pigged out on this week. Last night I went out of control I over ate a lot and for what reason oh yeah I had put on a few pounds I really need to get to the bottom of that equation... Weigh myself = putting on 4 pounds = binging on donuts, cookies and mince pies.
I'm punishing myself for putting on the weight that much is obvious, what I don't understand is why I should do that. Even with the extra lbs I look great and I feel great as well. I'm working hard at exercising , I'm wondering if the fact that I have been choosing to eat the right foods which I suppose isn't really true I have pretty much had a binge once a week although this week I've had about 3 hence the putting on 4 lbs. So maybe that's what I need to do to show myself that if I eat well without binging I can maintain or lose weight sensibly. I am going to set myself a target of no binging for the next 3 weeks. I'm going to make it as easy on myself as I possibly can, it's not going to be about testing myself by having money lying about or chocolate in the fridge. I'm going to make it as easy as I possibly can, leaving my wallet at work and only having food in the fridge that my adult side has chosen to put there. I'm not going to starve myself I will have a choice pastas, rices or couscous available for each day and make sure I have at least 1 of them for lunch. In the evenings I will eat well and follow it with a walk again like I was doing before. I will work through this with Mohamed on Saturday, I want to get to the bottom of my behaviour and find out what's going on. I'm not going to weigh myself till I go to LL again in 3 weeks and when I go there that night I will not have any money with me, I will not put myself in the situation where the result can lead to my punishing or rewarding myself by binging.

I failed.

I failed at my weigh in, I've put on 4 lbs and I have failed big time. Just to make sure I have I binged tonight as extra punishment for it. I have got to try and work out what's going on I cannot keep doing this to myself I have to find another path to follow. I'm going to give it some thought and try and see what's going on. I have managed to put on 3 lbs since last week I cannot keep binging I have to find anopther way around this. I'm going to leave my money where I can't get my hands on it.

Targets....

I should be writing in my blog more often I have been slipping somewhat. I'm studying my body more closely and slowly starting to appreciate that I am looking pretty slim. I still have a bit round my middle that I would like to get rid of but hopefully the exercises that Mohamed gave me to do will make the difference. I did 2 lots yesterday one before I headed out on my bike to work and the other when I got home. In total that was 75 press ups and 200 each of standing crunches and on the spot running.I am going to have a rest day today seeing as I'm driving to work due to going for a weigh in with LL after work. I haven't weighed this morning so it will be a surprise as to what I weigh in at later. I'm going to arrange to go again in 3 weeks which will be just before my holiday. I should have gone out cycling last night but was pretty tired when I got home, I will definitely go out tomorrow night I want to do the circuit that I have got planned in my head before the weekend. I am going to cycle down to Worthing again on Sunday the only thing that makes it a little more tricky is the fact I will be on my own but I still think with the target of getting there in my head I will make it ok. I need to do a little more planning for the route but I basically know the way to go. I will set off early probably around 6-6.30 going a slightly different way to start because of it being dark. The train fare is pretty good at £12.50 for any trains on the southern network so even if I have a problem I can get a train back from anywhere. I am feeling pretty good today and I have calmed down inside, I'm going out driving again today but I won't be taking any money with me. I have changed my diet this week and I'm making sure I actually eat some carbs each day, I have got to try and stop picking so much in the evenings though. Although it is little amounts of dark chocolate I have got to try and resist a little more than I actually do. I still am maintaining my weight though well that will be confirmed tonight but I think I am and if I keep up the new exercises I will hopefully drop a couple of pounds until I reach my goal weight of 13 st 10 lbs. I would like to hit that target before my holiday and 'm sure if I keep working and more importantly looking after myself I will reach it.

the weekend

was pretty good all in all, we went out and cycled 47 miles yesterday. On Saturday we watched the rugby and drank a few beers. I mentioned to Mohamed that I was worried about my weight he has suggested some extra exercises for me to do in the morning. I'm going to try and drop a couple of lbs before my holiday and hopefully keep in shape. I'm drifting into old habits that I have to try and choose diferent options in the future. It's up to me to sort this out, I am going to up my carb intake during the day as I'm not really eating enough of them. I'm out in the lorry tomorrow so I'll be leav ing my money at home for safety.

great memories.

Had a fantastic night last night, I went to re-union of a club I used to go to a long time ago. I met lots of old friends who I haven't seen for in some cases years. Everybody said how great I look and that felt really good if not very strange, I'm still pretty obsessed about my weight which I guess is understandable but at the same time old habits die hard, I bought McDonald's on the way home and 2 snickers none of which I really needed or required. I'm going to go out cycling tonight and then I think after the weekend I'm going to do a little diet to get off 4-5 lbs. It shouldn't be that hard to do I just need to concentrate and watch what I eat, reducing portion size and keeping to chicken and fish. I still feel abit like a fish out of water at public gatherings but it's definately getting easier, all in all this week has been full of ups and downs, more of which later on.

binge

I went driving yesterday and just ate the whole day and it was all the wrong stuff, snickers, biscuits etc. I don't know what happens to me once I get behind the wheel, is it the loneliness or am I punishing myself for the fact I'm there? I weoghed myself again yesterday and weighed 14 st 2 lb which is good it's maintaining where I have been for a few months now and yet I'm not happy I want to weigh 13 st something not 14 st and yet I can't seem to get down to this weight. I have been using nutracheck to look at my calories and I never go above 2000 calories and my fat is always below that allowance also, I'm cycling getting on for 100 miles a week I don't do a desk job I'm on my feet alday. How do you lose weight ? I really am goijng to have trouble if I dont get below 14 st if like it has been the last 2 weeks that I weigh myself and get depressed and use it as an excuse to eat. I need to find some expert help for some advice. I'm going to see my LL councillor next week hopefully she will have some clues as what I should be doing. Work is another matter entirely and I will post details later on, I'm not sure how poleasant today is going to be.

ramblings

I did really well last night I had a little urge to eat and I got past it, I didn't duck out of it I went to Tesco's and I looked round I stared at the chocolate and the biscuits but then I bought some Jordan's nut bars and then only ate 1 of them and the rest got put in the cupboard. I did have some stress at work yesterday but again I kept pretty calm and didn't beat myself up over it. It's his problem not mine I was right in what I did and I handled it correctly, he was the one that blew it up and that's the way he reflects attention from himself. The best thing was I didn't turn to food or did I feel the need to binge. I'm eating a diet now that I would regard as sustainable by me it's very healthy and for the most part sensible and normal. I'm getting away from dieting now to the point where I have stopped religiously buying low fat everything, it's more of a mixture now which I think is a good thing. I'm not getting carried away just yet because I know this is a long term thing and I still have things to learn but I think I'm educating my body to except healthier food made up of smaller portions.
Emotionally I'm on a pretty level footing at the moment. In truth I have probably over spent a little lately but it's nothing I can't deal with. I will get my holiday out of the way and hopefully by them my sessions with Mohamed would be nearing the end and I will be able to get my head down and pay some bills off. It's nothing I can't deal with and nothing I'm going to panic about. I'm still on interest free deals and basically it's all under control. I have just got the 1 card that needs paying off pretty quickly but it's in hand. My finances are in good shape right now. I'm starting to get into holiday mode it's only a little over 4 weeks till I'll be jetting off to the sun and I really can't wait. I'm really in need of some relaxation and sun, I'm going with a good friend and we get on really well, he's been there before which will be useful I think. I'm going to take my camera and get lots of photos.
I'm starting to realize how lucky I have been during this phase of my life, a couple of people who post on a forum I go on are having a really hard time during the management stage of LL. It's quite hard reading there posts knowing the tough time they are having but at the same time I'm getting so much from their posts. I quite often see places that I could go before I have been there and it wakes me up to that fact and I'm able to change my behavior before I start on that course. I know from all the posting they have done that they are very strong willed individuals and they will I'm sure work this through and succeed.

success

I completed a big challenge today, 2 friends and I cycled down to my mum's down near durrington despite a wrong turn, which added 10 miles to the totally we completed the trip travelling in total 68.5 miles. I have to say at the end I felt really good we then went to the pub for a couple of beers and a carvery. According to my heart monitor thing I burnt 3300 callories which is fantastic. I'm aiming to cycle all through the winter which I'm hoping will keep my fitness levels up ready for next spring when I think the mileage will jump hugely.
My sessions with Mohamed are helping me no end, I'm getting to the point now where I can self annalize and work through my own problems and find good answers. I've still got a way to go but my confidence levels are growing week on week. I even filled out a profile for a dating site last night and although it needs a little work I'm very happy about putting down my good and positive sides of my nature. In the past I don't think I would have been happy doing that.

feeling more

relaxed today, I weighed myself again this morning and was 14 st 1 lb. When I gave it some thought there's no way I'm putting on weight as such. I am doing loads of exercise and I'm eating pretty well I'm not syaing I'm being a saint because I'm not but I'm below my calorie and fat target on nutracheck. I have just got to keep my head down and keep with it, it's goping to be a while before I finally trust myself to live a normal life around food. I'm really enjoying the cycling at the moment and we are making plans for some long trips next year, including hopefully London to Paris for charity, which will be a great buzz and something that would be a great accomplishment. I'm looking forward to a good weekend hopefully nice and chilled and relaxed.

gutted and shocked.

Weight 14 st 3 lb not a pleasant surprise this morning in fact I'm shocked and gutted, I'm wondering why or how everyone keeps saying all the exercise I'm doing I should be able to eat what I like for. I guess I can't I haven't eaten bad this week though and I cycled loads on Sunday I really can't work it out. I haven't binged since last Wednesday and as I say I have basically eaten sensibly. My only vice has been the odd bit of cheese and some small amounts of chocolate. I'm going to go back to weighing everyday I think just for a little while till I susse out what my body is playing at. It could be I'm putting on muscle, I still measure 35 inches round my waist which means I'm fine and have nothing to worry about I need to find someone to talk to about this, who knows what they are talking about. I will see what happens over the next week doing dailly weight checks and see how I go. I am heading up to Ray's tonight to book our holiday accomodation for Thailand, it'll be good to finally get it sorted out, only 6 weeks to go :-)

just Tuesday

It's hard to explain my feelings right now, for some reason I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I think this is to do with not having to prove myself to dad anymore but I'm not entirely sure. I need to look into it a little more. I feel very relaxed at the moment, tomorrow will be the big one with my weigh in but I'm pretty relaxed about it and I'm feeling great. Tonight will be a cycle ride just a little one hopefully around the 20 mile mark. Hopefully I'll get a buzz like I did on Sunday. I feel like I should be posting more on here sometimes and maybe share more. I'm going to work on it I think and see if there's more I'm not letting out.

lots to report

I've had a great weekend, where to start. This morning I cycled 45 miles and it was fantastic, I felt so good once I'd finished I was buzzed. Next week we are going to cycle to Worthing and then get the train back. Last night I met some friends for drinks and a meal and it was a great feeling just to be able to be normal I know with all the exercise I've been doing I can be normal and not have to worry about everything that I put in my mouth. Despite the drinks last night I woke up this morning feeling really good.
I had a great session with Mohamed yesturday we looked back at my binging and some of the reasons behind it. I felt rejected as I'd previously posted but when we looked at it deeper Rejection leads to failure and that was what I was really beating myself up about. The biggest surprise was that it leads to my Father and the fact that deep down I'm still trying to prove myself to him. This despite the fact that I don't talk to him. I'm intending to write a letter pointing out that I no longer have to prove myself to him, I don't think I'll actually post it to him but I will post it on here. I don't need to prove myself to anyone especially him. I'm looking forward to a good week this week I have got a problem to sort out at work but I'll make my mind up which course to go tomorrow. I went to a chinese buffet thing tonight for dinner it was very nice and again I didn't over eat. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day I'm hoping I can make good choices.
Bargain of the week has to be Southern Railways day save tickets, you can have a group up to 4 ppl for £20 or £10 each and travel on any southern train off peak but thats bargain city as far as I'm concerned.

Saturday

I made it through to Saturday with no more binging so my blog Thursday helped top sort me out. I went out and cycled last night, I went 17.5 miles and was out for an hour and a quarter. I'm intending to add about another 5 miles to that next Tuesday. I felt good though and as long as I can get off my ass and get out there the ride isn't to hard. I have got a busy weekend ahead, I have got counselling this morning then I'm heading up to Ray's for a few drinks and a meal. Tomorrow I am going on a long cycle with Richard then heading back up to Ray's to book our holiday accommodation. I'm feeling positive again and it has been very rewarding to get through this week. I survived though and have grown in a good way.

Rejection

There are may reasons while Jill doesn't want a second date. I could have been to old ( not my fault and nothing I can do about it) I wasn't outgoing enough (this could be true but it's something that is I'm definitely improving on. I was a much better date this time than any I had been on before especially as it was a blind date. ) The way I look ( nothing I can do about this either except to say I am 1000% better looking than I was and again I'm improving all the time with the way I handle my new body) These reasons are all superficial they aren't anything deep, she only spent a few hours with me and I behaved like a gentleman through out. I paid for the whole date and I wasn't pushy. There is no real reason for me to feel down or rejected not for these reasons if we had been dating for 5 years and she rejected me then fine that's another matter completely but all logic and reason says what I have put myself through this week is an over reaction. This message is to my sub-conscious STOP OVER REACTING AND MAKING MORE OF A LITTLE REJECTION THAN IS REASONABLE PLEASE.

Today is the first morning of being over my 3 day binge I think I have found the reason that started it the fact Jill didn't want a second date as listed above. It took me 3 days to realise this as consciously I was / am feeling fine this was a deeper sub- conscious process thast just took over and lead to me doing what I have done in the past and comfort binged my way through it. I'm going to deal with my sub- concious mind on Saturday with Mohamed, I'm hoping we can look back at my feekings of rejection and go and look at it from all angles and I can deal with it in a different way and show my sub-concious a different way in future.

Today I'm taking all my money from my house and getting a freind to hold it for me so there won't be any binging tonight or today while at work. Tonight I'm going to go cycling and I'll be doing the same tomorrow. I'll see how I feel Saturday before agreeing to go out for a few beers I'm cycling on Sunday with Richard and I need to just take it easy on myself at the moment. I'm not going to feel down or punish myself for the last 3 days as long as I learn from the experience then it's not wasted. There is some great stuff on minimums this week on self sabotage that I'm reading and trying to take on board.

Struggling

I feel so depressed at the moment and I have been comfort eating. I guess I can't handle rejection, I thought it didn't bother me that Jill hadn't texted me about a 2nd date but I think sub consciously it has dragged me down so very low. I will just get through this 1 day at a time starting tomorrow I'm going to leave all my money here and not take nay to work. I have got good friends there and they will help me through it. They won't know that they are but they will be. Then tomorrow night I'm going to go straight out on my bike when I get home and cycle 25 miles then sleep till friday when I will do the same to get through it. This isn't my fault and I'm not going to punish myself or feel guilty. I will deal with my sub conscious on Saturday with Mohamed. This is beyond me right now but I will get the help I need to sort this out. Tomorrow is a fresh day and I will survive this.

Weight

First weekly weigh in :- 14 st 0lb waist 35" I was hoping to be down abit from this weight but I buggered it up on Monday. I also ate a little more yesterday which probably maintained it. I have lost another half inch round my stomach though, which could mean that some of it is still muscle gain. I have changed bikes and I'm now using different muscles. I went out last night and cycled 16 miles and felt really good when I got home. On Thursday I will go further and with out having to stop to deliver my sister-in- laws birthday card. I didn't fall off the bike either lol.
I'm going to put Monday behind me it happened and its over with, I'm doing good and my body is still changing, I'm slowly educating my body to its new food tastes. It was nice to have a egg and bacon sandwich yesterday but it was a treat although strictly speaking I wasn't really hungry. Next time I will have one when I'm hungry and not after I have eaten my lunch. Hopefully today I will be popping home for lunch as I'm out in a lorry this morning. I won't be taking any money with me.

Yesterday..

Had a binge day yesterday I'm going to list exactly what I ate 10:00 I bought a whole cooked chicken and a 500 gram bag of dried apricots and 4 liters of Pepsi max. I ate and drank all these before stopping further on at Tesco's and buying 2 bags of there 4 pack of cookies I ate them as well and by then I had drank 4 liters of Pepsi.I then pulled over and purged on the side of the road giving myself a terrible stomach ache and when I returned to work I had been out driving which is definitely the trigger for all this I believe. I went home I didn't cycle I got the tram stopping on the stopped to by French bread and some cheese. I had really bad wind on the way home but this seemed to ease my stomach ache so I'm guessing the cause was trapped air from all the Pepsi. Once home I had half the baton with cheese and 2 burgers followed by the other half with gammon, cheese and pickle. I then ate 4 muller rices and then purged again. I then went out and bought a 400 gram bar of whole nut which I ate while driving around once I'd eaten it I went to Tescos again but this time I left without buying anything It was a case of telling myself pretty forcefully that it was enough and I wasn't having anymore. Once home I purged again.
I had a date on Sunday which I know deep down the girl isn't really interested and although I didn't feel bad about it maybe I did. I'm trying to think how I was feeling yesterday, looking for reasons for the binge. Taking money with me while driving in something I shouldn't do I don't know if it's the loneliness or the boredom but if I got money then I binge. Fortunately I don't have to drive that often now and I will not be taking money with me when going driving. It's the strangest feeling while it's going on there's no debate I was looking at the cookies in Tescos and I bought 2 bags there was no need or logical reason for this I just did, it was exactly the same when I was buying the chocolate I already decided I would need 2 x 250 gram bars but there was a 400 gram bar so it got bought, there's no inner argument going on, there's not 2 voices arguing it's just bought and then eaten.
There's no feeling of guilt or feeling bad this morning anymore than there is at the time and I know today I won't feel like doing the same I'll just be back to making good choices and eating sensibly, it's just like I let go drop all controls and reason and just stuff myself. I was trying to do a thought log when I got home and that was the problem there was no thought, no argument just total loss of self control. This morning I feel fine it has been over 2 weeks since my last binge so maybe the need to binge is becoming less or maybe it's I hadn't been in the situation where I was able to lose control like that.

great weekend

I've had a great weekend started off yesterday with a great session with my councillor when we looked back at fear. The event that started it was a long time ago and had been re inforced by events since. I need to chat to my mum about it to get to the bottom of it will post more soon.
Then I popped in to Croydon to do some shopping and as I walked in I passed one of these all you can eat chinese buffets, it all looked very nice so I decided to go in. I went and got a plate of noodles, fried vegertables, 2 mini pancake rolls and some chinese roast pork. I didn't go mad and pile the plate up I just had a normal portion, admitidly I did go for a 2 nd plate but again it was only a normal plate full. I took my time eating and left soon after not feeling completely stuffed which is how I would have done in the past.
Sunday started with a 42 mile bike ride I was absolutely shattered but it felt so good my new bike was definately worth every penny. I will post a picture of it this week. then I had a lunch date with Jill, it was a blind date, my first ever one :-O but it went really well and I had an enjoyable time. No arrangement were made for another date but we are texting so we'll see what happens. As I said above all in all a positive and successful weekend hopefully the first of many.

Early Saturday

Didn't sleep that well really I kept waking up every couple of hours. Things in my life are going along quite nicely at the moment, I'm slowly starting to come out of myself.I'm sure the time I spend with Mohamed is a big part of this and that the time lime therapy is doing me a lot of good although I'm not entirely sure how as yet. I'm going to keep going until there's a natural end I'm sure I'll know when that is. Work is going really well at the moment, I have got to get past my dislike of Q* even though he is really annoying and is constantly trying to under mind me and stab me in the back. T* is also someone that is just plain strange and I'm never quite sure how he's going to react from day to day.
Things that I have succeeded at the is week include.
Buying my new bike
Cycling 10 and then 12 miles on it pretty easily.
4 weeks off the LL diet and only putting on 2 lbs
Making good choices on the food I have eaten this week.
Staying in a good and calm mood.
Socializing last Saturday night with Ray and Kevin's school friends and getting involved with conversations.
Having the confidence to send Jill a photo of myself and not being scared of her reaction.
Being able to say out loud that I'm very proud of myself and my achievements.

Friday..

I had a good one, I haven't really done much just worked and chilled tonight. I went out on my new bike and cycled 12 miles odd. I fell off once as well I am taking time to get used to the pedals. I may go out again in the morning if i wake up early. I'm planning on going swimming in the afternoon. I have been texting with Jill as well which has been quite enjoyable. I don't know where it's heading but she seems to have a good sense of humour. Time for a bath now and a relax.

a new bike

I picked up my new bike today and wow it's amazing I went out tonight and done 10 miles and I flew along. It's going to take a little bit of getting used to as it's so light and every hole and bump in the road sends you in all directions. I had a very sucessful day today I have made great food choices and I kept work happy and light. I'm looking forward to a great weekend mostly resting and chillin and of course loads of cycling.

success

I've succeeded in making solo for 4 weeks, I went back to my group for a WI and I've put on 2 lbs. It has been a bumpy ride but I think I've finally got it together. The first 2 weeks were particularly difficult as I found myself binging but thanks to a great site which someone mentioned on here called www.nutracheck.co.uk which is a food diary site which counts your calories for you, I discovered although I was eating really healthy I wasn't actually giving myself any calories my average day without binging was only 1500-1600 calories. After discovering this I upped my calories to 2200 by adding more carbohydrates to diet and since doing this I have not picked as much in fact only once in the 2 weeks and that was only a 4 biscuit binge against previous binges of packets of biscuits. What other things have I learnt on this LL journey? I love exercise now and cycle to work everyday and go out with friends at weekends where we have cycled nearly 40 miles and this weekend I have a proper racing bike and future plans of trips of 50-60 miles. I'm also doing 100 crunches 4 mornings a week, which is slowly helping my stomach to tighten up.

I am feeling so positive at the moment and I'm really proud of myself for succeeding. I'm not going to panic or go mad I'm just going to stay chilled and keep going as I am.

Tuesday.

Weight 14 st 1 lb I was hoping this would fall abit before tomorrow's weigh in, I wont have the cous cous at lunch time I'll just have the pitta bread and this morning I'll have a cold sausage and veggies. I must try and drink more water and get my H2O level higher.I have these WW scales that supposedly measure your body fat and H2O levels but I wish I'd never bought them, they are a pain in the arse. I'm going to go tomorrow what ever happens as I'm definitely on my way to learning to manage my weight. It would be better to be 6 lbs lighter and managing there but that's easy to get to I can lose 6 lbs pretty easily once I've relaxed and got my body used to eating reasonably and normally. I am going to do some exercise when I get home tonight, I think I will try one of the Pilates videos and see how I get on with it. This is still very new to me and pretty daunting if I'm totally honest. I am doing great though I haven't piled on the lbs and I'm making good choices . I still need to maybe curve my shopping for sweet stuff I know low calorie rices ain't that bad but if they wasn't in the fridge I wouldn't eat them.
Feelings wise I'm doing good at the moment I had a great weekend and it was good to get out and about and spend time with friends. Saturday night was a bit strange, it was definitely old habits coming into play there I think. I could have and to be honest should have stayed till the end I was having an ok time there was no need for me to run out. I have to have a little more faith in myself now that I can handle social situations better and this will improve even more in the future. I would like to find away to do a little more exercise maybe the gym or swimming I might have a word with Roy and Jason and see if I can maybe go down with them sometimes just to do something different.
My sister-in-law gave my e-mail to one of her freinds to pass on to another one and she e-mailed last night, I sent her a picture of me and some information as yet no reply, I haven't done anything like that before and in the past I don't think I would have done, I would have felt pretty scared to risk the rejection. I don't feel like that this morning it will be nice to get a good reaction but if I dont I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I am a whole lot more than my picture. I have no idea what she looks like yet or do I have any information on her. All in all not a situation I would normally find myself in but not that bad to be honest and who knows it could be fun.

Going up and down around the 14 st mark. I wish I could just drop that 5- 6 lbs and then sit happily at around 13 st 7 lbs. If I just stick with it I'll get there I'm doing good at the moment and it does depend what I eat. I have definitely got to stay away from cookies they seam to add weight straight away and I need to exercise more in the week, cycling to work is good but it's not really enough to work myself properly like I will do today. Last night went well and I am really finding social situations are getting easier I should really had stayed last night and enjoyed the rest of the evening, it was an old habit that meant that I wanted to leave early but this will improve with practice I am sure. I'm going cycling this morning with Richard and then I'm meeting up with Ray for the Brick lane festival, which promises to be interesting and will keep me busy for the day.
My session yesterday went very wel and while looking at sadness I actually went back to when I was born and the way I felt sad durring that time, I did spend alot of time in an incubator when I was first born and I'm guessing it was that which led to the feelings I had. Mohamed said they were probably other peoples feeling around me that were being pushed in my direction and I was picking them up.Thinking about it there was a lot of sadness around when I was born there was the time I was actually born and was very ill, then my older cousin died when I was 3, he was born with holes in his heart. I dont really remember him but I did remember feeling really sad around this time. My brother was being born also around this time and according to mum she was in hospital for a long time before he was born, again more sadness on my part although to be fare I didn't really get that yesterday so maybe it will be another feeling. Next week we will be looking at Fear I'm not really sure where looking at this will lead. I'm starting to build a picture of my timeline when I'm looking at it which is pretty interesting, I always though I had a good imagination but lately I don't seasm to be able to picture things in my mind like I used to, I'm still trying to practice at this though.

Saturday

I'm starting to come to terms with relaxing abit about what I eat, I'm still weighing myself daily which is probably not a good thing. I am going down for a proper weigh in with LL on Wednesday, I think after that I'm definitely going to start weighing weekly. I will continue to use the food diary website though and work out my calories intake from there. I was not eating enough according to the site and have upped my intake this week. This hasn't led to me putting on any weight so far. I have got a busy day ahead again, this morning I have got my appointment with my councillor this week we are doing time line therapy again this time looking at sadness, I haven't really looked at this as I had quite a surprising reaction when he mentioned it last week. I didn't really want to look at it again away from the calmness of his office.

This afternoon I'm going to meet Friends for a meal and then watch the football.

mid week blues maybe?

Not entirely sure what got into me today but I've had a day of picking. I had sausage and chips for lunch then preceded to munch through 6 custard creams and 8 digestives during the afternoon. Tonight I have been to the scuba diving club, it wasn't exactly what I thought it would be but it wasn't to bad. I had 2 burger king burgers (BOGOF) for dinner tonight but didn't eat the buns.
I was thinking of stopping weighing myself everyday and not do it again till next Wednesday when I go back to my LL meeting but I'm not sure I trust myself and I really don't want to get there and find I've put on weight, so maybe I'll wait till next week to do that. Hopefully I got my munchies day out of the way today and things will be easier tomorrow, I'm going to choose not to have any biscuits tomorrow and keep to good choices.

slipped

I've slipped this evening, I was doing some shopping and went back 5 times before actually buying the cookies from the co-op which I ate on the way home, not before spending 10 minutes moping around Tesco’s metro deciding between chocolate, biscuits and minstrels ( buy 2 for £2) the minstrels won and I've eaten them. I really had a battle before convincing myself to buy them. It is getting harder to talk myself into it I think which is a good thing. I have purged once I'd eaten them all which I know is the wrong thing to do but I don't want to put weight back on. I think I'll talk to my councillor about this on Saturday, I'm guessing I'll make it through the rest of the week without slipping and continue managing successfully. I'm sure deep down I'm slowly winning the argument with myself and I will come out the other side.
I also bought a new racing bike this morning which I'll get in about 10 days it's so I can continue cycling with Kevin and Richard at the weekends and also I can do more training during the week. I haven't got to do early mornings with work anymore, well except for Monday mornings. Once I get the bike I'm aiming to go out 2 early mornings a week and cycle around 20 miles before then going to work. I'm so nearly where I want to be if I could just sort out these binging sessions then I'd be able to move forward.

great day !!

I've had a very good day today, I cycled 37 miles again this morning which was abit tougher than last week but I managed really well. I then went down to mum's and we went out for dinner. I had a carvery with loads of vegetables and no sweet which was great. I did a littlke experiment after that I bought some green and black chocolate to try, I was very impressed and it didn't trigger a binge either. It's something I'll use as a strategy in the future. I'm hoping for further weight loss tomorrow but we'll see what happens best thing about today was at no time have I felt bloated or full.

positivity

Feeling like I'm starting to get it, big light bulb moment get through the first 20 minutes once I've finished eating and the need for more food passes and green & blacks hot chocolate is a real treat and I'm going to treat it as a treat for myself late evening but not every night. I'm meeting Kevin and Richard this morning for our cycle ride, I'm looking forward to it despite it being the second time and I know what to expect lol. After I'm heading down to mum's for dinner which will be good I think. I haven't seen them for a few weeks so it will be good to touch base with them.
My session yesterday with Mohamed was good we didn't look back at feelings because we covered other things such as why I don't see memories as pictures but I feel memories which was bothering me slightly but it seems that we all see memories in didn't ways. Next week we are going to be looking at the first time I felt sadness. We also did ego building which is something I will re-inforce this week its where I look back and pick positive memories and bring the feeling forward to now and then move them into the future, it's a very good feeling once the session is finished, I felt so calm and relaxed.

1 st of September

I'm feeling very positive and relaxed, the future is looking bright. I'm slowly starting to become more relaxed about my weight and the food I choose to eat, which in turn is making choices easier. There's less to rebel at if the choice is relaxed and un-demanding. I'm on track to slowly work my way down to 13 st 7 lb losing about another 1lb over the last couple of days. I bought some Green & Black organic chocolate drink last night and was very impressed not only by the taste but the fact it didn't trigger the need for more. I might by a bar next time I'm out shopping, it would be great if the bar had the same effect.
This morning I have my session with my councillor, following which I'll go down to the market to do some shopping, I'm not entirely sure what to have for my dinner tonight yet. I think I'll check out the fishmongers and see what they have got that looks nice. I'm going to buy a few more vegetables today and get more in the habit of micro-waving them to have with my tea in the evenings. I won't want to keep eating salads come the winter.

Made it

through the week, just about got myself down weight wise to where I aim to be. I have eaten alittle more this week but nothing that would be a bad choice. I'm happy that I can do this apart from the fact I would like to be doing it 5 lbs lighter. I'm not going out this weekend so intend to just keep my head down, make good choices and slowly drop them 5 lbs over the next couple of weeks. I'm going out cycling again with Kevin on Sunday, again for around 37 miles I think is the plan. I'm definately going to invest in a propper road bike, I'm worth the investment and I will make good use of the bike. I'm hoping to eventually know my body well enough to be able to weigh myself once a week but I'm not at that point yet. I need the constent reminder at the moment just to keep my choices honest, I still think about making bad choices more often than I want to be, I am getting better at saying NO though and I'm sure it will get easier with practice.
I keep looking in the mirror and thinking I'm getting bigger but my weight and the tape measure tell me different, I look and feel very healthy I just need to take that fact on board more.

was doing so welll...

then I started getting cocky and thinking that I could cope with just having 2 cookies and that was the a huge mistake. 1 thing lead to another and I found myself binging like mad. I am now purging which isn't the best thing for me to be doing but I prefer to do that rather than leave my stomach full of calories. I will work this out I am well on the way to sorting this out I know it.
My weekend until tonight had been a great success I had been out both Saturday and Sunday and socialised without going out of control. I am pretty sure if I keep this up I will work this out and say good bye to binging. I'm still going to stay positive and not have a downer on myself.

I did on a better note step up my exercise, the purchase of the heart monitor is going to be a great investment. I have relised that I need to peddle a whole lot faster to get my heart rate higher and therefore really burn the calories and get fitter. I have bought new shoes and peddles which are clip ons rather than straps. I think that once my new card arrives I'll be buying a racer, I will definately make use of it cycling with Kevin on Sundays and training myself during the week.

busy day ahead...

I'm very pleased with myself I had a great day yesterday and I just ate like a normal person and I wasn't hungry and I didn't over eat. I wish I'd slept a little better but waking up did give me the opportunity to re-hydrate. I feel really good this morning and I'm ready to faces the days challenges. I'm meet a couple of m8's this morning to go for a cycle ride, he reckons about 30 miles which will be my longest yet but I'm looking forward to it. I haven't really had chance to reflect about yesterday morning but I have good feelings about it so it must have been good. I will hopefully have time to look back and post my thoughts later today or tomorrow.

This afternoon I'm heading for a bbq round a friends house which hopefully will be a laugh, it's mainly ppl from work but it will e nice to relax with them away from work and just chill out.

start of

a long weekend I weigh 13 st 10 lb this morning so still maintaining and doing good. My heart rate monitor has arrived and it's been an eye opener, my heart rate is very low even it appears when I'm attempting to jog lol. I need to work at it if I'm going to get anywhere with it. I will try it while cycling tomorrow but I'm thinking I'm going to have to work a lot harder to get in the propper zone. I guess that could explain while I haven't really lost much weight despite cycling everyday.
I'm going to get hypnotised this morning, I'm feeling a little aprehensive but also excited, I think it's going to be helpful sorting out my ghosts fro my past and sorting out things that shaped me. I'll keep posting on here as to what happens. Looks like the sun has finally arrived for the weekend, I'm meeting Ray this afternoon and some friends for drinks and something to eat up at Hampstead.
I had a good day yesterday I was out driving and did get the munchies in the morning but I just bought a couple punnets of strawberries and ate them. They were very nice and filled me up and got me through the day. I also had a pasty from the oggy oggy cornish pasty van it was fantastic and very high quality. Once home last night I had a peice of snapper and some kale followed by low fat greek yogurt. A very nice tea and very low calorie.

Making it..

through the week in a calm and controlled manor, I even had my wallet at home with me but no binging took place. I'm maintaining my weight at 13 st 11 lb although I would like to be a little lighter it's still a very good place to be. Work yesterday went very well and hopefully today will follow suit. I'm hoping to finsih work earlish so I can go down the market for some shopping. I'm looking forward to the weekend it's going to be pretty busy. Again it's going to be a learning one with I hope me using strategies to get me through any dodgy times.

Coping well..

having left my wallet in safe keeping I have made it to Tuesday with no binging and I fully intend to make it to the weekend. I have got a busy weekend coming up meeting friends for meals and drinks, which I'm looking forward to knowing that I can control myself as regards what I drink and if I make good choices what I eat also. I'm going to bed shortly and have a good night's sleep.

Survived

I made it through today making good choices, it's only day 1 but I'm going to work through this and move forward. I know some where within me the answer lies waiting for me to discover it. I bought a new fridge freezer and it's all in and working correctly. It's alot better as the fridge part is high up and the freezer bit is down the bottom.It means I can see what I have got in the fridge so hopefully I'll have less going out of date. I'm out in the lorry tomorrow but I'm going to take plenty of vegertables with me and a couple of pitta breads with chicken and salad. I'm going to get tuna out for tomorrow evening.

that didn't gop

as planned I've ended up binging again this afternoon. I really need to work something out before I make myself ill. There's no way I want to put the weigfht back on but if I'm not careful and keep making the wrong choices I will thats for certain. I'm feeling so dispondent right now. It's as though I can't do any time alone with myself. I need some strategies that will see me through this, I never used to binge in this manner before I need to some how break the cycle.

It's Sunday

I had a very good day yesterday, the session with my hypno therapist went well, although he could do full hypnosis because I'd saved a file wrongly that I had filled out wrongly and he couldn't read it. We did set up an anchor point which is something I have got to practice with and re-inforce it, ready for next week.
Later on I completed my scuba diving review course sucessfully, again I'm very pleased with myself and I think I'm going to join the club and do some other dives before my holiday. I was about to head out cycling this morning but spotted my front wheel spindle is lose, unfortunately I haven't got the correct spanners to tighten it till later on. I have cycled pretty much everyday for the last couple of months so I think it may do my muscles some good to get some rest.
On a positive not my weight was 13 st 10 lb this morning which is a good feeling. I have been reading up on diets and healthy eating, I calculated using a formular that I should be having 2900 calories a day which seamed pretty high but I checked again and it was correct. I am going to eat more regularly but smaller portions and also less in the evenings. As a treat today I have got roast beef with sweet potatoe and cabbage which I'm really looking forward to. I'm going to have a relaxed and chilled day today and stay cool and calm.

My hardest day

Yesterday was my hardest day I have had since losing my weight, It was a really long day I had to drive to plymouth, setting off at just before midday. The traffic was terrible on the way down but to be honest I planned to bing before I even left and thats exactly what I did, I binged alday long as I drove not getting back till midnight. I purged as well so it was a real day of self abuse. I can't believe that something I used to do, driving has turned into such a trigger for binging but that's exactly what a\ppears to have happened.

I have got my first session of hyphnopherapy this morning so will post how that goes when I get back. Followed by scuba diving refresher course this afternoon so that will keep me busy today.

First day....

off the LL diet and I made a wrong choice tonight and listened to my inner chatterbox which convinced me I wanted chocolate biscuits which I promptly ate. I then purged which was something I think I had in the back of my mind. I really didn't want them and I gave in far to easy. In future I'm going to act earlier as soon as my chatterbox starts I'm going to have a bath or go for a walk. I know I can do this I have been so successful losing the weight and more importantly getting myself in to top shape it would be so wrong to sabotage myself over something that I don't even want. The time has come for my adult to take the front and sort out inner feelings determined to hurt me.

Just a quick..

My weight this morning for my last WI is 13 st 10lb I'm a little disapointed but I know I can work at it over the next few weeks and months and get down to where I'm choosing to be. It's going to be a good day today I'm feeling positive about myself and the situation I am in. I'm picking up useful tips on self sabotage from minimuns which I'l be using in the future.

Monday ...

I made 13 st 8 lb today so I've done really well over the weekend, I ate pretty normally really as my mum was cooking. I think I'm still building up my muscles otherwise I think I'd maybe lose a little more weight. I'm not complaining though I have done really well and I'm happy with what I'm doing in terms of exercising and what I have been eating. I spent the day driving and it went really well I found my own company rather satisfying for a nice change. Hopefully this is how things are going to be moving forward. I have got a big weekend coming up, I'm going to get hypnotised on saturday and look back into my past, I have got no idea whats going to happen or whats involved but I trust my councillor so I know it's going to be fine.

Interesting days...

I have had a good couple of days apart from really bad traffic on the roads yesterday. I met my life coach yesterday and it went really well, he also does hypnotherapy as well and to start with we are going to have a look back at my past. It's abit scary to think about dealing with some issues but I got on well with him and he seams to know his stuff. I've been down my mum's for the rest of the weekend and it's been nice and relaxing. I went cycling yesterday and again this morning I completed 13 miles yesterday and 20 this morning, I'm feeling really good and positive I do get a real buzz from exercising these days. I'm going to have a chilled out day today before heading home later tonight. I have got to go out delivering tomorrow so with luck I'll have a good day tomorrow as well. I have got some reading to do now, Mohamed my life coach gave me some rules I have to read every morning as soon as I get up. I've also been reading about exercise and the getting some tips on the best way to do it. I haven't had any drink this weekend so hopefully I'll be getting nearer to my target of 13 st 7 lb by the time I go for my last LL weigh in on Wednesday.

looking forward..

I had a good day today I managed to resist most temptations and also done a good walk tonight as well. I'm looking forward to the weekend it could prove to be very positive as regards the future. Tomorrow will if I make good choices be a good day, it's a matter of thinking before I speak and keeping my emotions calm and collected. This week so far is proving to be a lot more positive compared to the last 2 weeks which have been difficult, on the plus side though I survived and learnt some valuable things about myself and the choices that are available to me and more importantly their outcomes. I'm sure with practice good choices will get easier to make especially knowing what the alternative choice leads to and the hard work invlved in getting back to where I want to be.

A hard day.

Well after today the decision is made no more drinking large amounts of drink. I have been so down today and last night as well and of course this has led to me binging. I'm going to make my excuses and not go to WI on Wednesday I have got enough packs to keep me going. I am going to not have soft fruit just apples and pears with all bran for breakfast. I'm going to experiment for a full 2 weeks and see how much my weight moves and how much I can get down to. It's more for peace of mind I guess knowing if I do put some weight on with a little commitment by me I can get the weight back off. It's been really rough today I am tired also I need to be sleeping more at weekends and getting some rest. I'm out in the lorry most of the day tomorrow I'm leaving my money behind but I know I'll be just fine, it will do me good I'm just going to take raw vegetables and a soup. I really ate alot today, in fact it hurt me alot doing it and seeing my colleagues laugh, I am going to make different choices from now on and do my best not to have days like today, it's only myself I'm hurting the sooner I take that fact on board the better off I'll be. I having a very ealy night tonight as I'm also very tired which has just added to things today.

Good weekend....

Had a great weekend apart from I ate and drank to much. I walked this morning for about 6 miles as well I'm not going to weigh myself before Wednesday. I'm just going to work hard at exercising and reducing what I eat. I'm just going to have chili soup at lunch with raw vegetables and dips. I'm also going to cycle each evening as well including tonight hopefully around 10 miles, it's going to be a test to see just how the exercise I'm doing reacts with the food I'm eating. After Wednesday I'm going to have 2 shakes a day and no soft fruit and see what happens to my weight. I'm going down to mum's at the weekend to keep myself busy. I'll take my bike down with me I think and have a good cycle as well along the coast. Back to the weekend it went really well apart from the amount I ate last night it was mostly protein though, I'm really not sure how I'm going to work this out I need to come up with a strategy to deal with bingiung otherwise long term I think it will get harder and harder keeping on target. I'm hoping if I keep reading the posts on minimins then I'll get some helpful tips.

small steps

I let myself down again last night binging on dried fruit and nuts again, I'm going to choose not to buy these things in future, I fool myself into believing I'm in control and buy things that push comes to shove I'm going to binge on. I went out on the bike this morning early and cycled 23 miles including beckingham hill and also Crystal palace hill which I'm really pleased about. I'm feeling good right now within myself the exercise is definitely becoming abit of a buzz. This bodes well for the future and hopefully will make the choice to go cycling an easier one, specially when the dark nights start to appear.
I'm going to make a shopping list this week to shop with and I'm going to start buying less. I have definitely got to much stuff in the fridge and cupboards. I'm looking forward to this afternoon and some family time it's about time started to get myself out and about with them all. I'm going there today as an equal which is something I've never felt before and to be honest it feels good. The weather is fantastic today and I'm going to remember to put sun lotion this time I'm not going to get caught again. I'm going to pick my sister-in-law up on the way down to Kent so hopefully it'l be roof down and off we go it'll be good to have a chat with her she understands binging and where I'm coming from and often has sound advice.

got a day off..

today, which I'm looking forward to, I have got a blood test this morning but once that's over the day will be my own. I'm going to go out cycling shortly before the test then come home for some breakfast. I'm going to go shopping in town then threes some sort of market. I am feeling a little less confident about self control I know I have got to work at choosing better and keeping an eye on my weight although its only moving up and down by a lb or 2. I've decided that 14 st is going to be my top target if I hit that then I know I need to do some hard work to get back down.

I escaped

I had a good weigh in, I only put on a lb. I did confess all to the group though which brought it all home to me, it was a scary amount of food I put away over the weekend and I have been very lucky to escape with such a little gain. I have definitely taken it on board and will make different choices in the future. Work went really well today, the day passed really quickly and I kewpt really busy. I hope tomorrow goes just as well, theres a few things to get sorted out tomorrow before my day off on Friday. I'm off to bed now I got an early start tomorrow.

Finally....

over the weekends antics, I dropped back bellow 14 stone this morning so I'm hopefull to maybe get another llb or 2 before tomorrow. I guess the weekend did rather wake me up to just how easy it is to get into a bing cycle. I will look out for it and get off a lot earlier in future I hope. I wonder if its booze in general that depresses me or just the wine, I'm considering drinking beer on Saturday rather then wine and see what happens. I'm not going to drink on Friday night I'm going to make excuses and drive home so I can cycle early Saturday morning. I'm looking forward to having Friday off, I'm going to go get my blood test done early before doing some shopping and then heading down to Kent.
I seem to get depressed every now and then I think it's partly tiredness and was to do with the booze that I had drunk. I'm going to go for a walk now just round the block before having a nice bath and then bed.

A tough day..

But I survived just about. I have just got to get through tomorrow and I'll be fine I think I weighed myself this morning and I was 14 st 1 llb, I'm nearly back at where I started on mangerment I'm hoping that I can maybe drop a llb or 2 before WI on Wednesday. I have drunk loads of water today and will do the same tomorrow. This has proved to be a very hard thing to get over, I felt like I was in shock today with a hollow pit in my stomach. The weekend has really scared me and has really woken me up to the fact that it would be really easy to put the weight back on really quickly. I have got to some how come with a diet that includes all food but in moderation and I am going to drink less booze for now I was extremely down after going out on Friday night. It's still a learning curve and I've still got a long way to go. I have definately got to get more sleep and do my best not to get tired. I told them at work today that the early starts need to come to an end at the end of the month. They have said they will sort things out so we will see.

Feeling a .....

little better now. I did sucumb to the mcmuffins this morning but then went down to my mum's and worked through alot of stuff with her. I'm going to follow up my the life coaching and also the scuba diving. I am just seeing out the day now I will have some tuna for my tea and then have an early night. I have got to be up at 4 in the morning again. I've also decided that work have till the end of august to stop the early mornings or at the very least alternative weeks. I can't cope with being tired all the time I'm absolutely sure its a trigger point for my binging.

Lost........

Isn't it amazing just how much you can eat when you put your mind to it. I ate 2 large packs of home wheat chocolate biscuits with 3 large snickers and topped off with a family bar of whole nut chocolate and also ate all my cheese and some cous cous as well. I wish I had an excuse or even a reason but there isn't any I'm just greedy and I like to abuse myself and sabotage any successes that I have. Who suffers from my actions only me I'm the one who feels lost and scared If I give in so easy to the urge to go buy chocolate and biscuits what hope have I got of managing my weight. I'm kinda lost at the moment I don't really know where I'm heading or what to do next. What do I want from my life? that's easy I want luv and someone to share my life with. Is that the problem I don't know where or how to find it. Did I think it was going to be easier once I lost weight and in truth it's harder now I'm slim because I got no where to hide. I need to put this weekend behind me and move on, I'm scared about next weekend all the family there and food and the knew slim me eating like it's going out of fashion, just to show them all that I'm going to be fat again in no time. Did I get anything out of last night I felt comforted while I was eating I was calm and happy and even now I don't really feel bad, just sad and disappointed. Even now I'm thinking about going to my mum's but stopping at mcdonalds on the way and having mcmuffins, why is that? where is it coming from? I'm feeling sad from what I've eaten and therefore need comfort, is food going help in the long term? No all that will happen is I will feel more sad and therefore need more comfort leading to more food. The vicious circle of this weekend will continue. If I don't eat what will happen? In the short term I will have a bit of a struggle but longer term I will benefit my body will be able to start dealing with my weekend off the wagon. This has been my biggest lapse of the last 5 months, that is one good thing that I can say about myself and the place I am right now. Is this where I'm at right now? the urge to buy mcmuffins is nearly over whelming why is it? where is it coming from? I really don't know what to do? I'm so lost.

Sabotage

I guess I know what happened last night I went out got drunk and then had ribs, chicken and chips followed by chocolate (lots of chocolate) I have done a thought log but to be honest I think its more about punishing myself and undermining the great weight loss I have done. This is something I have always done but it has been getting less lately. I don't like having to be in control and I think going out for a drink gave me the excuse to let go and binge. I believe I have got other issues to work through, such as low self esteem and lack of confidence. I think I'm going to look to maybe do some counselling, the weight loss is a great first step but I need to move onto the next thing now. I know there's more I need to do but I have absolutely no idea what it is. It could be that this is my lot but I want to try and see what else is out there and more importantly if there is more within me.

Proper food...

I just had home made spaghetti bolgnaise with pasta and it tasted great, I'm feeling full and satisfied as well so I'm just having a coffee and I'll have a yogurt later on after I've had my walk. I'm feeling so much more confident now that I've got the added reasurance of my body fat measurement, I'm so glad I bought them scales they are going to be so useful to me in the future. I'm only going to take 1 day at a time but I'm feeling very positive at the moment.

I went and had my top half waxed again this afternoon and I'm sure it hurt more this time than it did the first time, I was really smarting at times. Oh well no pain no gain I guess. I'm meeting the lads from work tomorrow night for a few drinks, It's about time I got myself out there and starting to live my new life.

Fantastic...

Doesn't always pay to save money, I wish I'd splashed out on the better scales a few weeks ago. My body fat percentage is really good at 17.2% therefore proving my thoughts that I was building muscle and it was that which was keeping my weight up. I will keep weighing myself everyday for the time being but I will be stretching the period towards once a week eventually. After talking to my LLC I'm going to start eating more normally, it's no good saying I'm not on the diet but secretly eating diet food. I have been living on mostly salads and these aren't able to give my body the energy it needs leading to my body wanting more food. The scales have given me the confidence that I can start eating in a more normal manor. The salad at lunchtimes is something I'll be continuing and also the raw vegetables for morning break which I really enjoy and find extremely fulling and sub staining. I'm going to try and cut down on my fruit and see what happens, I'm really hoping that I can continue eating fruit though as I luv fruit for breakfast and also my apples during the day. I have bought yogurt as replacement for an apple and nectarine so that's a start. I will make sugar free jelly this evening so I can have yogurt and jelly for sweet rather than fruit. I'm going to go out for a drink tomorrow night it's about time I went out and started showing off the new slim me. I'll sort out some decent clothes to wear as well and do my ironing.

Moving forward

I maintained my weight this week at 13 stone 9llbs which given the dodgy days I've had this week is a touch. I had a great chat with my LLC , which I've found very useful I think maybe I was avoiding what I would regard as dodgy food like rice and pasta which I should now be having more regular than I have been. Hence why my body is wanting more food. I have been doing lots of exercise and working very hard and not really been eating food that will sub stain me. So starting tomorrow I'll be having rice, pasta or cous-cous with my evening meal. I've also bought some new scales that measure BMI and also body fat %, I'm going to use these to measure the results on an excell sheet and trace my history of management. All in all I'm very happy and relaxed tonight and looking forward to the next week. I also bought proper mature cheddar which I'm looking forward to having with spaghetti bolognaise tomorrow evening.

Having a tough evening..

I have eaten alot tonight I have eaten 2 packs of dried apricots and mixed nuts as well I should be feeling full but I'm wanting some chocolate now. I don't know what to do I could easily sit and eat a family bar of chocolate and I don't know whats the thoughts behind it. I feel pretty good at the moment I'm not bored and I'm not tired so I don't know whats going on. A bar of whole nut would taste so good right now. I'm thinking I deserve it seeing as I've been so good for so long and I've kept my weight under control this week. If I keep typing I will hopefully talk myself out of it. I'm going to go have a bath and chill for the rest of the evening and no chocolate.

good start to the week..

Well my strategy worked, I went out driving this afternoon but left my wallet at work so no grazing. I just had raw vegetables today and some fruit till I got home tonight when I had soup followed by steak and cous-cous. I'm going to have yogurt and fruit for afters then a chocolate shake before bed. I have got a short trip top make tomorrow so I'll get by no problem. The weather is pretty lousy at the moment but its only 20 minutes to cycle home even in the rain so again it re-in forces the fact that I'll be cycling all year round. Again I think if I keep exercising I will have few problems with my weight. I know it's all about good choices but I'm getting good at making them now. I might even go out for a little walk after I've had my yogurt, probably just the one circuit as its getting pretty late. I haven't got to get up till 5 tomorrow though so it'll make it a little easier. I'm having a positive week again so far I'm just hoping that these positive times can last longer as I get more comfortable with having them.

Unfortunately..

the scuba shop got flooded in all the rain on Friday so my scuba review has been postponed till the 18/08, abit disappointed to be honest but it will soon be here. Watched transmorphers last night what a load of rubbish that was. I bought a bike rack for my car yesterday so I'm taking the bike down to Worthing this morning and ride along the front before spending some time at my parents house.
I realised at the weekends I have really cut down on the amount of water I've been drinking, not on purpose it's just kinda happened so I'm going to turn that around and get it back up again. I'm aiming to lose weight again this week and this morning I'm 13 stone 8llbs which is a little up but not to bad I still have 4 days to go before weigh in, I just need to stay on track though and keep with it. I have to watch that I don't get to paranoid about it though which at times I'm in danger of doing. I'm eating a healthy sensible diet at the moment and that really hasn't got to change just because I finish the program. I have got to get used to the idea that what I'm eating now is normal food and I'm not depriving myself by eating it. There will be times when I eat high GI foods like pizza and take aways etc but they will be treats. I am not depriving myself of them at the moment, in fact I haven't missed them at all really. When I walk in the evenings I pass about 8 take away restaurants of different varieties and I don't stand there drooling in fact I look at the over weight people that you can guarantee are in the queue waiting to get served and think that used to be me, even when you see a car pull up outside, parking as close to the door as possible so they haven't got far to walk, it so used to be what I used to do.

Doing good..

I have gained so much from the previuos post and my thought log. It has allowed me to move on and dwell on the situation. In the past I would have got down and probably comfort ate my way through the weekend. Where as the new me was out cycling this morning, I done 24 miles which included hills for the first time. I cycled up a steep hill without stopping which felt very good. Hopefully I burnt off plenty of calories.
I have made a vegetable soup this morning which I'll be eating over the next few days. I had tinned salmon and cous cous for lunch followed by a pear. I am going to do a scuba diving reveiw this afternoon and probably join the club as well, I haven't dived for about 18 months so it will be good to get back into it. I'm going to Thailand in November so I am looking forward to doing some diving once there. The idea of diving here first is to build up my confidence and getting used to the equipment before diving over there.

My first thought log.

What happened :-
Got behind the wheel and headed off to Essex Stopped at the co-op and bought Grapes, mixed fruit and nuts and also dried apricots.
Stopped at BP and bought 6 bottles of Pepsi Max (bogof) I always buy extra Pepsi when its on offer for some reason.
Stuck in traffic on m25 ate all supplies and drank all drink.
Delivered load then headed back stopped in BP bought 4 bottles of Pepsi max and also large bag of mixed fruit and nuts and more dried fruit.
Ate all of them in one go stopped again at Tescos (less than 45 minutes later) and bought more fruit and nuts and dried Apricots. Continued to eat all of them until I felt so bloated and full I also had a stomach ache.

Hot thoughts :-

Need food to concentrate while driving Could get stuck in traffic with no supplies. Worried about being bored. Don't like my own company when no distractions. Feeling lonely. I need comfort when I'm alone. Food is my only comfort. Food will make me feel better.

How I felt :-

Felt guilty
Lonely
Defiant

What I did this time/would have done in the past:-

When feeling like this I binge, now it's on fruit and nuts in the past it would have been bread and chocolate or take away.

Evidence for Hot thoughts:-

Everyone in my life has left me at different times.Apart from my ex-wife the important people have always come back into my life.
Spent hours alone behind the wheel and have enjoyed my own company.

Evidence against hot thoughts:-

There's nothing wrong with my own company.
I'm not going to starve if I'm stuck in traffic without food.
Food isn't going to make me feel better or less alone it's a momentry distraction.
Food isn't going to actually stop me being alone in fact the opporsite is true in the end.

In the future:-

I'll turn the radio up.
Try and get out of driving for work.
Go for a walk (when I'm at home feeling like this) ( which I'm already doing)
Stop drinking Pepsi Max.
Leave my wallet at home or work so I have no money to spend.

I let myself down and binged..

I can't believe I've allowed myself to binge so much today, what's going on? I was out driving in the van again today and I've binged on nuts and dried fruit, to the point where I feel ill and have a stomach ache. I'm going to go out cycling in the morning and hopefully work off the extra calories. I will never take my wallet or any money with me when driving in future it's obviously my most serious trigger point and something I need to watch myself on. I'm going to do extra exercise this weekend and watch what I eat to hopefully get manage to get over this episode.

Doing good...

Weight this morning 13 stone 5llbs, heading in the right direction I did have a good walk but when I got home I had fruit and yogurt with some dried fruit, I didnt have to much though and I think with the exercise I'm doing I should be ok. I'm going to choose not to buy dried fruit for now when I'm shopping. I'm going to have to look at what to buy once the season starts to change and there's no more soft fruits available. I'm hoping for a positive day at work today I'm going to keep busy and hope that the day goes smoothly. I'm thinking about heading out tonight to meet Julian but I'm thinking I will skip it and hold off for this week. I'm hoping to lose a little more weight this week again. It's about seeing what I need to do to lose weight and manage it correctly.

Thursday..

I have just eaten my tea consisting of tuna and boiled eggs with a lot of salad then I've just had some dried apricots. I'm really full but in the mood to eat more, I'm going to go walking and hopefully the feeling will pass I'm not worried about eating more really it's just I'm full so its a mind thing that is making me wanting to eat. I don't need anymore food it's just boredom more than anything else. My day was pretty normal really I'm pleased with my WI in result last night and I'm not going to spoil it if I can help it.

Good news....

I had my weigh in tonight and I lost 4 llbs which is a good result, I need to keep it going now and do the sdame this next week. It's about making good choices and enjoying the feeling of controlling my weight. The exercise is doing me all the good in the world and it's my choice to keep it going. I've also registered to do the scuba diving refresher course on Saturday I've got some studying to do before then as well. I'm very pleased with my progress this week, I've also been shopping today and have not bought anything thats not on my list, again another good choice.

evening

I've had a good day today the driving was good and it worked leaving my money behind so I didnt graze. I have walked about 4 miles tonight which is great going I'm very pleased with myself. The best thing about today was I didn't have lunch I saved it till tonight so just had raw vegetables durring the day. I hope my mood will start to level out as I'm introducing food propperly. I'm not sure I can keep having down times at the weekends. I'm going to phone about the scuba diving tomorrow , hopefully I'll be able to join the club after and this will give me something to do at weeknds which will be good.

morning...

I'm just doing a quick post before work. I felt pretty down yesterday worrying about managing my weight I weighed 13 stone 8 llbs /86.4 kgs so I think I put weight a little weight on over the weekend so I need to find strategies to deal with Sundays and the boredom/ loneliness I'm going to phone about scuba diving today and hopefully get into that on Saturday and join the club as well. I'm positive about the future again this morning and also sure I'm losing inches rather than llbs whioch is a good thing.

Weighed in this morning and I'm 13 stone 10 pounds which is abit disheartening, I know I ate quite abit yesterday but it was all pretty healthy and I walked close to 8 miles and cycled for 5. I think buying the scales was a bad idea all it's managed to do is question everything about the diet and the future. I am not going to keep eating salads and fruit to the exstent I am now there has to be a time when I'll be able to eat normaly otherwise what's the point. I'm still thinking I have to be building muscle and that's where the weight is coming from, there's no way with all the exercise I'm doing that I'm over eating. I haven't had anything processed or anything like chocolate and biscuits this week at all and yet I haven't lost any weight, maybe I'm so far out with my estimation of what I can actually eat. I'm not going to let myself get down about it though I still think despite the scales not showing it that I'm losing fat and gaining muscle.

dodgy day...

I only cycled 5 miles this morning I had aching hips so decided to reat. I walked into Croydon though and also done 4 miles walking tonight as well. I have had the munchies today but kept to healthy choices. I'm hoping that with all this exercise I'm doing thnat I'll start seeing some results soon. I am feeling good though and my stomach is starting to tone up some what so at least the sit ups are having some effect. I'm going to chill in front of the tv now for an hour before bed. I got to be up at 4 again tomorrow morning. It's really humid tonight I'm dripping with sweat.

had a good day yesterday

Everything yesterday went pretty much as I hoped, I rode 20 miles first thing then did a big walk into Croydon shopping. Then yesterday afternoon I went to meet some freinds for a meal and a few drinks. I had a tuna nicoise salad and 3 glasses of wine. I really enjoyed it and when I got home I had smoked turkey salad followed by nana shakes and fruit. To be honest maybe to much fruit but nothing major.
I went out on the bike this morniung but my hips are really aching so I did a quick 20 minute circuit and I'll do the same later on in fact probably I'll try to do it twice more. My pc is slightly over heating so I'm going to lap the heatsink and re-apply the thermal compound correctly it appears that I have put on too much and this is having an adverse effect.
Mood wise I'm doing good this weekend, I think it's something that will improve with time as I put less pressure on myself. I weighed again this morning and was 85.8 kgs again I'm not so sure I should be weighing everyday but will keep it up for now and see what happens. I'm going to do quorn today with rice for the first time. I'll do it with curry powder and see how it turns out.

it's been a ...

good day and I'm feeling remarkably good today. I think it's because I'm focused I know where I'm heading and how to get there, I just need to keep making good choices and the weight will drop this week and I'll be learning how to manage my weight. I was full up tonight when eating my dinner so I stopped eating and threw the remains away, I'm going to go walking shortly and aim for 3 circuits which is around 6 miles. I'll be getting up early tomorrow and go for a long cycle. In the afternoon I'm meeting some old friends for a drink and a meal. I'm intending to make good choices in what I eat and drink. Then on Sunday I'm going to go cycling again before heading up to pole hill farm for some shopping, not to much though I'll do a list before I go I think.

It's friday

I bought new scales and will start weighing myself in the mornings now, today I was 85.8 kgs. It follows that you weigh less in the mornings so I'm going to try and do it at the same time everyday and post on here. I had a good day yesterday I made great choices all day and only ate good food last night at my Aunts. Was really great of my Uncle to do me something different to eat but I wouldn't have given in to the pizza last night I was feeling strong and good inside.
My sun burn is nearly all better now I just have a sore knee but it's improving all the time. I remembered late last night that I'm meeting up with old friends tomorrow afternoon which will bge great, again I'm going to make good choices and enjoy the fact that I am. It's our busiest day of the week at work today but I'm hoping everything goes to plan and runs smoothly.

head is straight again

Yesterday went as expected put on a further 3 llbs but it's ok I know what happened and more importantly why it happened and I'm going to learn and move on. I'm going to make this weekend a me weekend, I'm going to be looking after myself, eating well and exercising hard. I'm going to reverse the trend of the last couple of weeks and move back to where I want to be, making right choices and taking care of ME.
I'm heading down to Kent after work my Aunt and cousin are over from NZ. I haven't seen them since my visit a couple of years ago, I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be great catching up. I'm working in the office today, hopefully it'll be pretty busy and I won't get bored and the day will go quick.

the binge continues

I went out driving again today and ended up eating more biscuits and chocolate. I have a serious problem with binging and driving so from now on will leave my wallet behind. I don't know what will happen tomorrow but I'm going to choose to work hard this week and keep to good choices and lots of exercise over the next week and aim for a weight loss next week. I'm strong now and I know I can do it with patience and good choices. I am rebelling against the diet now I want to be able to be normal again and it's hard with everyone watching me and also watching myself, leading to rebellious child rearing up and sabotaging me. I need to be more adult about this and make good choices.

a hard post...

I had a difficult day yesterday I got sun burnt over the weekend, which was totally self inflicted but it led to me binging last night on biscuits and chocolate. I think the fact I allowed myself to get burnt on Saturday signaled to myself that I wasn't taking care of myself. This added to 2 incidents when comments were made by 2 people about what I was eating brought home the fact that people still think I'm dieting rather than supposedly eating again.
One of my strategies when I'm sat at home feeling alone and bored is to go out walking but due to being sun burnt I couldn't do it which allowed the thought of needing comfort food to fester and grow until I found myself in the shop buying biscuits then a return trip for chocolate. I didn't feel bad at the time about doing it and I did feel better but at the same time I think a walk would have resulted in the same feeling. I will be more careful of the sun in future and not get myself in the situation where I can't get up and go for a walk. I need to find some hobbies and other things to do in the evenings. I'm going to ring up about scuba diving today and give that a go. Also I'm going out cycling again tonight and hopefully through exercise work off the extra calories I ate last night.
I am still coming to terms with weight management and I'm still pushing boundaries. I at times feel I am rebelling against the 'diet' which is where the 2 comments come in, having said that it's going to be about me proving to people that have seen me eat to much in the past prove that I can manage my weight correctly. I think I have to prove this to myself as well, as part of this I'm going to choose in future if I feel like binging or over eating to get up and go walking or cycling till the feeling passes. I have bought only vegetables and fruit with me today and I'm going to make these last me today I need to be good to myself today and only eat healthy good foods and not over do it. Tonight I'm going to make lentil and vegetable soup which I will have for lunch doing the rest of the week also. I'm going cycling tonight and also I'll go out tomorrow night when I get home from WI. I'm seriously scared about my WI tomorrow now I will tell Jo and the group what happened and hopefully get some advice as to whats going on. I'm going to continue to think about whats going inside today and post again tonight. I'm not going to beat myself up over this, along as I don't waste this opportunity to learn from this episode then it's not a bad thing. It's up to me to choose a better path in future and move to the positive choice of weight managment rather than weight guilt.

need to work at...

Had a terrific day yesterday watching the Tour De France, I had a burger and chips in the afternoon but they was organic and I didn't have anything else till the evening. I was pleased with myself in the evening ordering salad bowl but ordered more than 1 trip (old habits ) then went 3 times each time having thousand island dressing, which i can bet was high calorie. The disappointing thing was coming home and steaming into nuts and dried fruit yet again. For now I'm not going to buy anymore, just till I work out a way of dealing with grazing. I'm doing really well and I'm very proud of myself but there's obviously things I have got to look at. Grazing when alone is obviously one of these things. The adoptive child comes to the fore and I'm definitely rebelling against the diet. I will have to look at things after the diet has finished and see what happens then. I will have to choose carefully.
I got very sun burnt yesterday and I'm pretty sore on my legs,I'm normally very careful and always use sun block. I think deep down I was hoping that now I've lost weight my body would also deal with the sun differently, well I'm sorry to say it doesn't lol. Back to the sun block for me from now on.

when alone....

Had a busy day yesterday I drove down to Exeter I forgot how far it was and just how hard it was driving that far I was pretty stiff by the time I got back. I grazed all day nothing not on the program but just lots of fruit and grapes and nuts. I'm starting to realise the time I graze most is when I'm alone this came to light yesterday I spent most of the day on my own and grazed constantly. I'm going to find out about a scuba diving club next week and start finding myself things to do in the evenings. I'm going to try and find some strategies to help me deal with this better. I'm confident now that I can make the right choices with the types of foods I eat it's more the amounts I need to look at and work at.
I have been out and cycled 14 miles this morning it was great and really enjoyable I also came home and exercised. I meeting freinds today and going and watching the prologue, which should be great specially as the sun looks like it has arrived finally. Will maybe be having a few drinks later on as well.

Off delivering tomorrow.....

I'm off to Exeter tomorrow doing a delivery and after today it's going to be a test I think. I was driving today just local up London I really struggled and had to get something to eat. I bought some grapes but obviously topmorrow will be different because of the time I'll be driving. I will take my lunch and raw vegetables as normal and get some Pepsi Max to drink and a bottle of water. I'l have a good breakfast and take an some apples as well. It will be a good test to see how I cope with driving that far. I'm off for a walk very soon, 2 circuits is the aim and then get some salad from tescos on the way back. I'l pop into the co-op for the Pepsi seeing as its bogof. I made lentil soup today for the first time and wow its fantastic I can't believe I haven't tried it before.