success

I completed a big challenge today, 2 friends and I cycled down to my mum's down near durrington despite a wrong turn, which added 10 miles to the totally we completed the trip travelling in total 68.5 miles. I have to say at the end I felt really good we then went to the pub for a couple of beers and a carvery. According to my heart monitor thing I burnt 3300 callories which is fantastic. I'm aiming to cycle all through the winter which I'm hoping will keep my fitness levels up ready for next spring when I think the mileage will jump hugely.
My sessions with Mohamed are helping me no end, I'm getting to the point now where I can self annalize and work through my own problems and find good answers. I've still got a way to go but my confidence levels are growing week on week. I even filled out a profile for a dating site last night and although it needs a little work I'm very happy about putting down my good and positive sides of my nature. In the past I don't think I would have been happy doing that.

feeling more

relaxed today, I weighed myself again this morning and was 14 st 1 lb. When I gave it some thought there's no way I'm putting on weight as such. I am doing loads of exercise and I'm eating pretty well I'm not syaing I'm being a saint because I'm not but I'm below my calorie and fat target on nutracheck. I have just got to keep my head down and keep with it, it's goping to be a while before I finally trust myself to live a normal life around food. I'm really enjoying the cycling at the moment and we are making plans for some long trips next year, including hopefully London to Paris for charity, which will be a great buzz and something that would be a great accomplishment. I'm looking forward to a good weekend hopefully nice and chilled and relaxed.

gutted and shocked.

Weight 14 st 3 lb not a pleasant surprise this morning in fact I'm shocked and gutted, I'm wondering why or how everyone keeps saying all the exercise I'm doing I should be able to eat what I like for. I guess I can't I haven't eaten bad this week though and I cycled loads on Sunday I really can't work it out. I haven't binged since last Wednesday and as I say I have basically eaten sensibly. My only vice has been the odd bit of cheese and some small amounts of chocolate. I'm going to go back to weighing everyday I think just for a little while till I susse out what my body is playing at. It could be I'm putting on muscle, I still measure 35 inches round my waist which means I'm fine and have nothing to worry about I need to find someone to talk to about this, who knows what they are talking about. I will see what happens over the next week doing dailly weight checks and see how I go. I am heading up to Ray's tonight to book our holiday accomodation for Thailand, it'll be good to finally get it sorted out, only 6 weeks to go :-)

just Tuesday

It's hard to explain my feelings right now, for some reason I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I think this is to do with not having to prove myself to dad anymore but I'm not entirely sure. I need to look into it a little more. I feel very relaxed at the moment, tomorrow will be the big one with my weigh in but I'm pretty relaxed about it and I'm feeling great. Tonight will be a cycle ride just a little one hopefully around the 20 mile mark. Hopefully I'll get a buzz like I did on Sunday. I feel like I should be posting more on here sometimes and maybe share more. I'm going to work on it I think and see if there's more I'm not letting out.

lots to report

I've had a great weekend, where to start. This morning I cycled 45 miles and it was fantastic, I felt so good once I'd finished I was buzzed. Next week we are going to cycle to Worthing and then get the train back. Last night I met some friends for drinks and a meal and it was a great feeling just to be able to be normal I know with all the exercise I've been doing I can be normal and not have to worry about everything that I put in my mouth. Despite the drinks last night I woke up this morning feeling really good.
I had a great session with Mohamed yesturday we looked back at my binging and some of the reasons behind it. I felt rejected as I'd previously posted but when we looked at it deeper Rejection leads to failure and that was what I was really beating myself up about. The biggest surprise was that it leads to my Father and the fact that deep down I'm still trying to prove myself to him. This despite the fact that I don't talk to him. I'm intending to write a letter pointing out that I no longer have to prove myself to him, I don't think I'll actually post it to him but I will post it on here. I don't need to prove myself to anyone especially him. I'm looking forward to a good week this week I have got a problem to sort out at work but I'll make my mind up which course to go tomorrow. I went to a chinese buffet thing tonight for dinner it was very nice and again I didn't over eat. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day I'm hoping I can make good choices.
Bargain of the week has to be Southern Railways day save tickets, you can have a group up to 4 ppl for £20 or £10 each and travel on any southern train off peak but thats bargain city as far as I'm concerned.

Saturday

I made it through to Saturday with no more binging so my blog Thursday helped top sort me out. I went out and cycled last night, I went 17.5 miles and was out for an hour and a quarter. I'm intending to add about another 5 miles to that next Tuesday. I felt good though and as long as I can get off my ass and get out there the ride isn't to hard. I have got a busy weekend ahead, I have got counselling this morning then I'm heading up to Ray's for a few drinks and a meal. Tomorrow I am going on a long cycle with Richard then heading back up to Ray's to book our holiday accommodation. I'm feeling positive again and it has been very rewarding to get through this week. I survived though and have grown in a good way.

Rejection

There are may reasons while Jill doesn't want a second date. I could have been to old ( not my fault and nothing I can do about it) I wasn't outgoing enough (this could be true but it's something that is I'm definitely improving on. I was a much better date this time than any I had been on before especially as it was a blind date. ) The way I look ( nothing I can do about this either except to say I am 1000% better looking than I was and again I'm improving all the time with the way I handle my new body) These reasons are all superficial they aren't anything deep, she only spent a few hours with me and I behaved like a gentleman through out. I paid for the whole date and I wasn't pushy. There is no real reason for me to feel down or rejected not for these reasons if we had been dating for 5 years and she rejected me then fine that's another matter completely but all logic and reason says what I have put myself through this week is an over reaction. This message is to my sub-conscious STOP OVER REACTING AND MAKING MORE OF A LITTLE REJECTION THAN IS REASONABLE PLEASE.

Today is the first morning of being over my 3 day binge I think I have found the reason that started it the fact Jill didn't want a second date as listed above. It took me 3 days to realise this as consciously I was / am feeling fine this was a deeper sub- conscious process thast just took over and lead to me doing what I have done in the past and comfort binged my way through it. I'm going to deal with my sub- concious mind on Saturday with Mohamed, I'm hoping we can look back at my feekings of rejection and go and look at it from all angles and I can deal with it in a different way and show my sub-concious a different way in future.

Today I'm taking all my money from my house and getting a freind to hold it for me so there won't be any binging tonight or today while at work. Tonight I'm going to go cycling and I'll be doing the same tomorrow. I'll see how I feel Saturday before agreeing to go out for a few beers I'm cycling on Sunday with Richard and I need to just take it easy on myself at the moment. I'm not going to feel down or punish myself for the last 3 days as long as I learn from the experience then it's not wasted. There is some great stuff on minimums this week on self sabotage that I'm reading and trying to take on board.

Struggling

I feel so depressed at the moment and I have been comfort eating. I guess I can't handle rejection, I thought it didn't bother me that Jill hadn't texted me about a 2nd date but I think sub consciously it has dragged me down so very low. I will just get through this 1 day at a time starting tomorrow I'm going to leave all my money here and not take nay to work. I have got good friends there and they will help me through it. They won't know that they are but they will be. Then tomorrow night I'm going to go straight out on my bike when I get home and cycle 25 miles then sleep till friday when I will do the same to get through it. This isn't my fault and I'm not going to punish myself or feel guilty. I will deal with my sub conscious on Saturday with Mohamed. This is beyond me right now but I will get the help I need to sort this out. Tomorrow is a fresh day and I will survive this.

Weight

First weekly weigh in :- 14 st 0lb waist 35" I was hoping to be down abit from this weight but I buggered it up on Monday. I also ate a little more yesterday which probably maintained it. I have lost another half inch round my stomach though, which could mean that some of it is still muscle gain. I have changed bikes and I'm now using different muscles. I went out last night and cycled 16 miles and felt really good when I got home. On Thursday I will go further and with out having to stop to deliver my sister-in- laws birthday card. I didn't fall off the bike either lol.
I'm going to put Monday behind me it happened and its over with, I'm doing good and my body is still changing, I'm slowly educating my body to its new food tastes. It was nice to have a egg and bacon sandwich yesterday but it was a treat although strictly speaking I wasn't really hungry. Next time I will have one when I'm hungry and not after I have eaten my lunch. Hopefully today I will be popping home for lunch as I'm out in a lorry this morning. I won't be taking any money with me.

Yesterday..

Had a binge day yesterday I'm going to list exactly what I ate 10:00 I bought a whole cooked chicken and a 500 gram bag of dried apricots and 4 liters of Pepsi max. I ate and drank all these before stopping further on at Tesco's and buying 2 bags of there 4 pack of cookies I ate them as well and by then I had drank 4 liters of Pepsi.I then pulled over and purged on the side of the road giving myself a terrible stomach ache and when I returned to work I had been out driving which is definitely the trigger for all this I believe. I went home I didn't cycle I got the tram stopping on the stopped to by French bread and some cheese. I had really bad wind on the way home but this seemed to ease my stomach ache so I'm guessing the cause was trapped air from all the Pepsi. Once home I had half the baton with cheese and 2 burgers followed by the other half with gammon, cheese and pickle. I then ate 4 muller rices and then purged again. I then went out and bought a 400 gram bar of whole nut which I ate while driving around once I'd eaten it I went to Tescos again but this time I left without buying anything It was a case of telling myself pretty forcefully that it was enough and I wasn't having anymore. Once home I purged again.
I had a date on Sunday which I know deep down the girl isn't really interested and although I didn't feel bad about it maybe I did. I'm trying to think how I was feeling yesterday, looking for reasons for the binge. Taking money with me while driving in something I shouldn't do I don't know if it's the loneliness or the boredom but if I got money then I binge. Fortunately I don't have to drive that often now and I will not be taking money with me when going driving. It's the strangest feeling while it's going on there's no debate I was looking at the cookies in Tescos and I bought 2 bags there was no need or logical reason for this I just did, it was exactly the same when I was buying the chocolate I already decided I would need 2 x 250 gram bars but there was a 400 gram bar so it got bought, there's no inner argument going on, there's not 2 voices arguing it's just bought and then eaten.
There's no feeling of guilt or feeling bad this morning anymore than there is at the time and I know today I won't feel like doing the same I'll just be back to making good choices and eating sensibly, it's just like I let go drop all controls and reason and just stuff myself. I was trying to do a thought log when I got home and that was the problem there was no thought, no argument just total loss of self control. This morning I feel fine it has been over 2 weeks since my last binge so maybe the need to binge is becoming less or maybe it's I hadn't been in the situation where I was able to lose control like that.

great weekend

I've had a great weekend started off yesterday with a great session with my councillor when we looked back at fear. The event that started it was a long time ago and had been re inforced by events since. I need to chat to my mum about it to get to the bottom of it will post more soon.
Then I popped in to Croydon to do some shopping and as I walked in I passed one of these all you can eat chinese buffets, it all looked very nice so I decided to go in. I went and got a plate of noodles, fried vegertables, 2 mini pancake rolls and some chinese roast pork. I didn't go mad and pile the plate up I just had a normal portion, admitidly I did go for a 2 nd plate but again it was only a normal plate full. I took my time eating and left soon after not feeling completely stuffed which is how I would have done in the past.
Sunday started with a 42 mile bike ride I was absolutely shattered but it felt so good my new bike was definately worth every penny. I will post a picture of it this week. then I had a lunch date with Jill, it was a blind date, my first ever one :-O but it went really well and I had an enjoyable time. No arrangement were made for another date but we are texting so we'll see what happens. As I said above all in all a positive and successful weekend hopefully the first of many.

Early Saturday

Didn't sleep that well really I kept waking up every couple of hours. Things in my life are going along quite nicely at the moment, I'm slowly starting to come out of myself.I'm sure the time I spend with Mohamed is a big part of this and that the time lime therapy is doing me a lot of good although I'm not entirely sure how as yet. I'm going to keep going until there's a natural end I'm sure I'll know when that is. Work is going really well at the moment, I have got to get past my dislike of Q* even though he is really annoying and is constantly trying to under mind me and stab me in the back. T* is also someone that is just plain strange and I'm never quite sure how he's going to react from day to day.
Things that I have succeeded at the is week include.
Buying my new bike
Cycling 10 and then 12 miles on it pretty easily.
4 weeks off the LL diet and only putting on 2 lbs
Making good choices on the food I have eaten this week.
Staying in a good and calm mood.
Socializing last Saturday night with Ray and Kevin's school friends and getting involved with conversations.
Having the confidence to send Jill a photo of myself and not being scared of her reaction.
Being able to say out loud that I'm very proud of myself and my achievements.

Friday..

I had a good one, I haven't really done much just worked and chilled tonight. I went out on my new bike and cycled 12 miles odd. I fell off once as well I am taking time to get used to the pedals. I may go out again in the morning if i wake up early. I'm planning on going swimming in the afternoon. I have been texting with Jill as well which has been quite enjoyable. I don't know where it's heading but she seems to have a good sense of humour. Time for a bath now and a relax.

a new bike

I picked up my new bike today and wow it's amazing I went out tonight and done 10 miles and I flew along. It's going to take a little bit of getting used to as it's so light and every hole and bump in the road sends you in all directions. I had a very sucessful day today I have made great food choices and I kept work happy and light. I'm looking forward to a great weekend mostly resting and chillin and of course loads of cycling.

success

I've succeeded in making solo for 4 weeks, I went back to my group for a WI and I've put on 2 lbs. It has been a bumpy ride but I think I've finally got it together. The first 2 weeks were particularly difficult as I found myself binging but thanks to a great site which someone mentioned on here called www.nutracheck.co.uk which is a food diary site which counts your calories for you, I discovered although I was eating really healthy I wasn't actually giving myself any calories my average day without binging was only 1500-1600 calories. After discovering this I upped my calories to 2200 by adding more carbohydrates to diet and since doing this I have not picked as much in fact only once in the 2 weeks and that was only a 4 biscuit binge against previous binges of packets of biscuits. What other things have I learnt on this LL journey? I love exercise now and cycle to work everyday and go out with friends at weekends where we have cycled nearly 40 miles and this weekend I have a proper racing bike and future plans of trips of 50-60 miles. I'm also doing 100 crunches 4 mornings a week, which is slowly helping my stomach to tighten up.

I am feeling so positive at the moment and I'm really proud of myself for succeeding. I'm not going to panic or go mad I'm just going to stay chilled and keep going as I am.

Tuesday.

Weight 14 st 1 lb I was hoping this would fall abit before tomorrow's weigh in, I wont have the cous cous at lunch time I'll just have the pitta bread and this morning I'll have a cold sausage and veggies. I must try and drink more water and get my H2O level higher.I have these WW scales that supposedly measure your body fat and H2O levels but I wish I'd never bought them, they are a pain in the arse. I'm going to go tomorrow what ever happens as I'm definitely on my way to learning to manage my weight. It would be better to be 6 lbs lighter and managing there but that's easy to get to I can lose 6 lbs pretty easily once I've relaxed and got my body used to eating reasonably and normally. I am going to do some exercise when I get home tonight, I think I will try one of the Pilates videos and see how I get on with it. This is still very new to me and pretty daunting if I'm totally honest. I am doing great though I haven't piled on the lbs and I'm making good choices . I still need to maybe curve my shopping for sweet stuff I know low calorie rices ain't that bad but if they wasn't in the fridge I wouldn't eat them.
Feelings wise I'm doing good at the moment I had a great weekend and it was good to get out and about and spend time with friends. Saturday night was a bit strange, it was definitely old habits coming into play there I think. I could have and to be honest should have stayed till the end I was having an ok time there was no need for me to run out. I have to have a little more faith in myself now that I can handle social situations better and this will improve even more in the future. I would like to find away to do a little more exercise maybe the gym or swimming I might have a word with Roy and Jason and see if I can maybe go down with them sometimes just to do something different.
My sister-in-law gave my e-mail to one of her freinds to pass on to another one and she e-mailed last night, I sent her a picture of me and some information as yet no reply, I haven't done anything like that before and in the past I don't think I would have done, I would have felt pretty scared to risk the rejection. I don't feel like that this morning it will be nice to get a good reaction but if I dont I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I am a whole lot more than my picture. I have no idea what she looks like yet or do I have any information on her. All in all not a situation I would normally find myself in but not that bad to be honest and who knows it could be fun.

Going up and down around the 14 st mark. I wish I could just drop that 5- 6 lbs and then sit happily at around 13 st 7 lbs. If I just stick with it I'll get there I'm doing good at the moment and it does depend what I eat. I have definitely got to stay away from cookies they seam to add weight straight away and I need to exercise more in the week, cycling to work is good but it's not really enough to work myself properly like I will do today. Last night went well and I am really finding social situations are getting easier I should really had stayed last night and enjoyed the rest of the evening, it was an old habit that meant that I wanted to leave early but this will improve with practice I am sure. I'm going cycling this morning with Richard and then I'm meeting up with Ray for the Brick lane festival, which promises to be interesting and will keep me busy for the day.
My session yesterday went very wel and while looking at sadness I actually went back to when I was born and the way I felt sad durring that time, I did spend alot of time in an incubator when I was first born and I'm guessing it was that which led to the feelings I had. Mohamed said they were probably other peoples feeling around me that were being pushed in my direction and I was picking them up.Thinking about it there was a lot of sadness around when I was born there was the time I was actually born and was very ill, then my older cousin died when I was 3, he was born with holes in his heart. I dont really remember him but I did remember feeling really sad around this time. My brother was being born also around this time and according to mum she was in hospital for a long time before he was born, again more sadness on my part although to be fare I didn't really get that yesterday so maybe it will be another feeling. Next week we will be looking at Fear I'm not really sure where looking at this will lead. I'm starting to build a picture of my timeline when I'm looking at it which is pretty interesting, I always though I had a good imagination but lately I don't seasm to be able to picture things in my mind like I used to, I'm still trying to practice at this though.

Saturday

I'm starting to come to terms with relaxing abit about what I eat, I'm still weighing myself daily which is probably not a good thing. I am going down for a proper weigh in with LL on Wednesday, I think after that I'm definitely going to start weighing weekly. I will continue to use the food diary website though and work out my calories intake from there. I was not eating enough according to the site and have upped my intake this week. This hasn't led to me putting on any weight so far. I have got a busy day ahead again, this morning I have got my appointment with my councillor this week we are doing time line therapy again this time looking at sadness, I haven't really looked at this as I had quite a surprising reaction when he mentioned it last week. I didn't really want to look at it again away from the calmness of his office.

This afternoon I'm going to meet Friends for a meal and then watch the football.

mid week blues maybe?

Not entirely sure what got into me today but I've had a day of picking. I had sausage and chips for lunch then preceded to munch through 6 custard creams and 8 digestives during the afternoon. Tonight I have been to the scuba diving club, it wasn't exactly what I thought it would be but it wasn't to bad. I had 2 burger king burgers (BOGOF) for dinner tonight but didn't eat the buns.
I was thinking of stopping weighing myself everyday and not do it again till next Wednesday when I go back to my LL meeting but I'm not sure I trust myself and I really don't want to get there and find I've put on weight, so maybe I'll wait till next week to do that. Hopefully I got my munchies day out of the way today and things will be easier tomorrow, I'm going to choose not to have any biscuits tomorrow and keep to good choices.

slipped

I've slipped this evening, I was doing some shopping and went back 5 times before actually buying the cookies from the co-op which I ate on the way home, not before spending 10 minutes moping around Tesco’s metro deciding between chocolate, biscuits and minstrels ( buy 2 for £2) the minstrels won and I've eaten them. I really had a battle before convincing myself to buy them. It is getting harder to talk myself into it I think which is a good thing. I have purged once I'd eaten them all which I know is the wrong thing to do but I don't want to put weight back on. I think I'll talk to my councillor about this on Saturday, I'm guessing I'll make it through the rest of the week without slipping and continue managing successfully. I'm sure deep down I'm slowly winning the argument with myself and I will come out the other side.
I also bought a new racing bike this morning which I'll get in about 10 days it's so I can continue cycling with Kevin and Richard at the weekends and also I can do more training during the week. I haven't got to do early mornings with work anymore, well except for Monday mornings. Once I get the bike I'm aiming to go out 2 early mornings a week and cycle around 20 miles before then going to work. I'm so nearly where I want to be if I could just sort out these binging sessions then I'd be able to move forward.

great day !!

I've had a very good day today, I cycled 37 miles again this morning which was abit tougher than last week but I managed really well. I then went down to mum's and we went out for dinner. I had a carvery with loads of vegetables and no sweet which was great. I did a littlke experiment after that I bought some green and black chocolate to try, I was very impressed and it didn't trigger a binge either. It's something I'll use as a strategy in the future. I'm hoping for further weight loss tomorrow but we'll see what happens best thing about today was at no time have I felt bloated or full.

positivity

Feeling like I'm starting to get it, big light bulb moment get through the first 20 minutes once I've finished eating and the need for more food passes and green & blacks hot chocolate is a real treat and I'm going to treat it as a treat for myself late evening but not every night. I'm meeting Kevin and Richard this morning for our cycle ride, I'm looking forward to it despite it being the second time and I know what to expect lol. After I'm heading down to mum's for dinner which will be good I think. I haven't seen them for a few weeks so it will be good to touch base with them.
My session yesterday with Mohamed was good we didn't look back at feelings because we covered other things such as why I don't see memories as pictures but I feel memories which was bothering me slightly but it seems that we all see memories in didn't ways. Next week we are going to be looking at the first time I felt sadness. We also did ego building which is something I will re-inforce this week its where I look back and pick positive memories and bring the feeling forward to now and then move them into the future, it's a very good feeling once the session is finished, I felt so calm and relaxed.

1 st of September

I'm feeling very positive and relaxed, the future is looking bright. I'm slowly starting to become more relaxed about my weight and the food I choose to eat, which in turn is making choices easier. There's less to rebel at if the choice is relaxed and un-demanding. I'm on track to slowly work my way down to 13 st 7 lb losing about another 1lb over the last couple of days. I bought some Green & Black organic chocolate drink last night and was very impressed not only by the taste but the fact it didn't trigger the need for more. I might by a bar next time I'm out shopping, it would be great if the bar had the same effect.
This morning I have my session with my councillor, following which I'll go down to the market to do some shopping, I'm not entirely sure what to have for my dinner tonight yet. I think I'll check out the fishmongers and see what they have got that looks nice. I'm going to buy a few more vegetables today and get more in the habit of micro-waving them to have with my tea in the evenings. I won't want to keep eating salads come the winter.