Clocks gone back

Had a great night out last night, met some old friends for a meal and some drinks. I felt comfortable all evening which was really nice. I met someone who has ridden to Paris as well which was very interesting, hopefully I'll get to meet up with him again as it would be very good to chat more about it. I'm going to go for a swim this morning as the weather isn't the best, the plan is to start swimming more in the week so this morning will be a good opportunity to see how I get on. I'm hoping to swim for 30-40 mins along with some exercise before I leave and cycling there and back I think it will count as a good workout. It was so nice getting compliments about my weight last night, I'm doing the exercise for me but compliments are always an added bonus. My aim is to change my body shape which will take time but I'm choosing to do it and I'm going to succeed. My love handles will be gone eventually they are being pretty stubborn though lol. I need to be doing my reading again in the mornings and my blogging as well, I can sometimes let it go astray but I just need to remind myself to do it. I was trying to use the mirroring technique last night it felt a bit strange but I think I managed it for several brief moments, it definitely takes me out of my comfort zone but I have got my holiday to work at it and get used to doing it.

Had a great night last night I need to try and work on my conversation skills though. I'm amazed how tactile I was, very touchy feely I think I was ok though and didn't make anyone feel uncomfortable. There were some very nice young ladies there and I'm intending to stay in touch via face book. I did very well coming home and didn't going buying any crap food. I did have mixed seafood when I got home though which was to close to bed time but it was ok. I'm heading out cycling this morning, it's very cold out though I have even put my heating on. I'm going to meet Ray up in Islington later for the rugby world cup final. I'm hoping to go for a cycle in the morning as well but it will only be a 20 mile one. I have got to work tomorrow, driving up to Liverpool ready for unloading on Monday morning. The instruction has been given for them to hire another driver so hopefully when they have I can get back to running my warehouse. Only 2 weeks until my holiday, I can so not wait it will be here very soon I'm confident I'm going to have a great time. It will be good to spend time with my best friend Ray. It's quite good the way I'm feeling at the moment especially after some exercising, I get a real buzz in the mornings after the cycle and exercise session, I'm going to try and keep it going into my future I like the new fit me and I'm going to keep it up.

Thursday update

Had a good day but had to work hard, food wise I'm doing really well I'm very proud of myself. As for the exercise I'm doing fantastically this morning I completed 45 proper press-ups 100 up right crunches 100 on the spot running things followed by cycling to work, once there I did another 30 press-ups and 70 proper crunches. It definitely makes me feel amazing and even a couple of people at work noticed commenting was I on speed. I had chicken breasts with cold beans and sweet corn with a baked potato. I'm going shopping in a bit I'm not really concerned about it except I would like to treat myself with some cookies I know with the way I have been behaving this week then it wouldn't hurt for me to have it. I'm going to see how I feel when I'm there but if I am tempted then I'm just going to enjoy them.
I attempted to listen to a P mckenna cd last night but fell a sleep 5 minutes in, it is being recomended by someone on a forum that I visit. I'l give it another go later on tonight. I have got a busy weekend ahead which I'm really looking forward to. I haven't got a session with Mohamed this week but I think the break will be rewarding. I have got to have a look at self sabotage before next week. I will make time this week to have a look at this.

Having a good week so far, I have worked lots of hours which is a pain but the money will be nice for my holiday so I'm not complaining. The funny thing is I haven't felt tired at all and I haven't felt hungry either which considering I have been out driving is a nice change that makes things a lot easier to deal with. I spent the night out in the lorry Monday night which was my first one for nearly 2 years, I slept well but it's not something that I miss at all. I'm keeping my exercise regime up and I'm sure that is something to do with my new found energy. It is something I'm intending to keep part of my daily routine. I must try and find a way of implementing it on days when I'm not cycling though along with some more exercise to get it nearer an hour.
Funny how things we use to do without suddenly become so important my mobile went flat yesterday and I was completely lost without it even though it doesn't ring that often during the day it was very weird being without it. Food wise I have done really well this week so far, I need to try and just have 1 muller rice in the evening though rather than 2 but apart from that my mood and my food intake have remained level. I'm going to post a picture finally I know it's been longer than I said but better late than never I guess. It was taken on Sunday just before I set off on my great cycle back from Worthing. I hate photos being taken of me and I never think I look that great in them but I have to admit I don't think I look to bad.
I nearly forgot I saw customers yesterday when I was out delivering that I hadn't seen for nearly 2 years and they nearly didn't recognise me, they couldn't get over how young I looked and how slim I was. I guess although sometimes I don't see it myself I have obviously changed for the better and it's about time I stared taking that on board and dealing with it. The nice thing in that is the little bit of weight I'm trying to lose now is just a mindd thing rather than a physical need, which means I can do it in a sensible manner rather than having to panic.

goals.

Wow !!!!! I have just cycled back from Durrington, a total of 50 miles in a fantastic 3 hrs 4 mins an average speed of 16.4 mph. I worked really hard and my heart rate was an average of 138 beats per minute which is a great average and I was in the target range for 3 hrs out of 3 hrs 30 minutes. I am so proud of myself for the way I kept my head down and worked at reaching my goal of getting home. This is a real example to myself of how I can reach goals that I set myself and in fact exceed the goal that I set myself. It is about time that I started getting more pleasure from succeeding at goals I reach rather than wollowing in the greatness of failure. I am going to shout about my seccesses from now on.

3 week target

I'm going to head back to basics for the next 3 weeks, taking things 1 day at a time. I'm going to do a weeks shopping, making sure I have everything I require for the week and then I'm going to leave my wallet out of my reach. I know if I keep exercising and eat sensibly then I can lose weight and get to where I'm choosing to be namely 13 st 7 lbs. I realize that I have basically had a full week of over eating, just because I'm buying little cubes of dark chocolate it doesn't help when I eat 10 or 12 cubes a night. Same as cheese I cannot just come home and head to the fridge and break off lumps of it and eat it. Biscuits I know I have just pigged out on this week. Last night I went out of control I over ate a lot and for what reason oh yeah I had put on a few pounds I really need to get to the bottom of that equation... Weigh myself = putting on 4 pounds = binging on donuts, cookies and mince pies.
I'm punishing myself for putting on the weight that much is obvious, what I don't understand is why I should do that. Even with the extra lbs I look great and I feel great as well. I'm working hard at exercising , I'm wondering if the fact that I have been choosing to eat the right foods which I suppose isn't really true I have pretty much had a binge once a week although this week I've had about 3 hence the putting on 4 lbs. So maybe that's what I need to do to show myself that if I eat well without binging I can maintain or lose weight sensibly. I am going to set myself a target of no binging for the next 3 weeks. I'm going to make it as easy on myself as I possibly can, it's not going to be about testing myself by having money lying about or chocolate in the fridge. I'm going to make it as easy as I possibly can, leaving my wallet at work and only having food in the fridge that my adult side has chosen to put there. I'm not going to starve myself I will have a choice pastas, rices or couscous available for each day and make sure I have at least 1 of them for lunch. In the evenings I will eat well and follow it with a walk again like I was doing before. I will work through this with Mohamed on Saturday, I want to get to the bottom of my behaviour and find out what's going on. I'm not going to weigh myself till I go to LL again in 3 weeks and when I go there that night I will not have any money with me, I will not put myself in the situation where the result can lead to my punishing or rewarding myself by binging.

I failed.

I failed at my weigh in, I've put on 4 lbs and I have failed big time. Just to make sure I have I binged tonight as extra punishment for it. I have got to try and work out what's going on I cannot keep doing this to myself I have to find another path to follow. I'm going to give it some thought and try and see what's going on. I have managed to put on 3 lbs since last week I cannot keep binging I have to find anopther way around this. I'm going to leave my money where I can't get my hands on it.

Targets....

I should be writing in my blog more often I have been slipping somewhat. I'm studying my body more closely and slowly starting to appreciate that I am looking pretty slim. I still have a bit round my middle that I would like to get rid of but hopefully the exercises that Mohamed gave me to do will make the difference. I did 2 lots yesterday one before I headed out on my bike to work and the other when I got home. In total that was 75 press ups and 200 each of standing crunches and on the spot running.I am going to have a rest day today seeing as I'm driving to work due to going for a weigh in with LL after work. I haven't weighed this morning so it will be a surprise as to what I weigh in at later. I'm going to arrange to go again in 3 weeks which will be just before my holiday. I should have gone out cycling last night but was pretty tired when I got home, I will definitely go out tomorrow night I want to do the circuit that I have got planned in my head before the weekend. I am going to cycle down to Worthing again on Sunday the only thing that makes it a little more tricky is the fact I will be on my own but I still think with the target of getting there in my head I will make it ok. I need to do a little more planning for the route but I basically know the way to go. I will set off early probably around 6-6.30 going a slightly different way to start because of it being dark. The train fare is pretty good at £12.50 for any trains on the southern network so even if I have a problem I can get a train back from anywhere. I am feeling pretty good today and I have calmed down inside, I'm going out driving again today but I won't be taking any money with me. I have changed my diet this week and I'm making sure I actually eat some carbs each day, I have got to try and stop picking so much in the evenings though. Although it is little amounts of dark chocolate I have got to try and resist a little more than I actually do. I still am maintaining my weight though well that will be confirmed tonight but I think I am and if I keep up the new exercises I will hopefully drop a couple of pounds until I reach my goal weight of 13 st 10 lbs. I would like to hit that target before my holiday and 'm sure if I keep working and more importantly looking after myself I will reach it.

the weekend

was pretty good all in all, we went out and cycled 47 miles yesterday. On Saturday we watched the rugby and drank a few beers. I mentioned to Mohamed that I was worried about my weight he has suggested some extra exercises for me to do in the morning. I'm going to try and drop a couple of lbs before my holiday and hopefully keep in shape. I'm drifting into old habits that I have to try and choose diferent options in the future. It's up to me to sort this out, I am going to up my carb intake during the day as I'm not really eating enough of them. I'm out in the lorry tomorrow so I'll be leav ing my money at home for safety.

great memories.

Had a fantastic night last night, I went to re-union of a club I used to go to a long time ago. I met lots of old friends who I haven't seen for in some cases years. Everybody said how great I look and that felt really good if not very strange, I'm still pretty obsessed about my weight which I guess is understandable but at the same time old habits die hard, I bought McDonald's on the way home and 2 snickers none of which I really needed or required. I'm going to go out cycling tonight and then I think after the weekend I'm going to do a little diet to get off 4-5 lbs. It shouldn't be that hard to do I just need to concentrate and watch what I eat, reducing portion size and keeping to chicken and fish. I still feel abit like a fish out of water at public gatherings but it's definately getting easier, all in all this week has been full of ups and downs, more of which later on.

binge

I went driving yesterday and just ate the whole day and it was all the wrong stuff, snickers, biscuits etc. I don't know what happens to me once I get behind the wheel, is it the loneliness or am I punishing myself for the fact I'm there? I weoghed myself again yesterday and weighed 14 st 2 lb which is good it's maintaining where I have been for a few months now and yet I'm not happy I want to weigh 13 st something not 14 st and yet I can't seem to get down to this weight. I have been using nutracheck to look at my calories and I never go above 2000 calories and my fat is always below that allowance also, I'm cycling getting on for 100 miles a week I don't do a desk job I'm on my feet alday. How do you lose weight ? I really am goijng to have trouble if I dont get below 14 st if like it has been the last 2 weeks that I weigh myself and get depressed and use it as an excuse to eat. I need to find some expert help for some advice. I'm going to see my LL councillor next week hopefully she will have some clues as what I should be doing. Work is another matter entirely and I will post details later on, I'm not sure how poleasant today is going to be.

ramblings

I did really well last night I had a little urge to eat and I got past it, I didn't duck out of it I went to Tesco's and I looked round I stared at the chocolate and the biscuits but then I bought some Jordan's nut bars and then only ate 1 of them and the rest got put in the cupboard. I did have some stress at work yesterday but again I kept pretty calm and didn't beat myself up over it. It's his problem not mine I was right in what I did and I handled it correctly, he was the one that blew it up and that's the way he reflects attention from himself. The best thing was I didn't turn to food or did I feel the need to binge. I'm eating a diet now that I would regard as sustainable by me it's very healthy and for the most part sensible and normal. I'm getting away from dieting now to the point where I have stopped religiously buying low fat everything, it's more of a mixture now which I think is a good thing. I'm not getting carried away just yet because I know this is a long term thing and I still have things to learn but I think I'm educating my body to except healthier food made up of smaller portions.
Emotionally I'm on a pretty level footing at the moment. In truth I have probably over spent a little lately but it's nothing I can't deal with. I will get my holiday out of the way and hopefully by them my sessions with Mohamed would be nearing the end and I will be able to get my head down and pay some bills off. It's nothing I can't deal with and nothing I'm going to panic about. I'm still on interest free deals and basically it's all under control. I have just got the 1 card that needs paying off pretty quickly but it's in hand. My finances are in good shape right now. I'm starting to get into holiday mode it's only a little over 4 weeks till I'll be jetting off to the sun and I really can't wait. I'm really in need of some relaxation and sun, I'm going with a good friend and we get on really well, he's been there before which will be useful I think. I'm going to take my camera and get lots of photos.
I'm starting to realize how lucky I have been during this phase of my life, a couple of people who post on a forum I go on are having a really hard time during the management stage of LL. It's quite hard reading there posts knowing the tough time they are having but at the same time I'm getting so much from their posts. I quite often see places that I could go before I have been there and it wakes me up to that fact and I'm able to change my behavior before I start on that course. I know from all the posting they have done that they are very strong willed individuals and they will I'm sure work this through and succeed.