Finally....

over the weekends antics, I dropped back bellow 14 stone this morning so I'm hopefull to maybe get another llb or 2 before tomorrow. I guess the weekend did rather wake me up to just how easy it is to get into a bing cycle. I will look out for it and get off a lot earlier in future I hope. I wonder if its booze in general that depresses me or just the wine, I'm considering drinking beer on Saturday rather then wine and see what happens. I'm not going to drink on Friday night I'm going to make excuses and drive home so I can cycle early Saturday morning. I'm looking forward to having Friday off, I'm going to go get my blood test done early before doing some shopping and then heading down to Kent.
I seem to get depressed every now and then I think it's partly tiredness and was to do with the booze that I had drunk. I'm going to go for a walk now just round the block before having a nice bath and then bed.

A tough day..

But I survived just about. I have just got to get through tomorrow and I'll be fine I think I weighed myself this morning and I was 14 st 1 llb, I'm nearly back at where I started on mangerment I'm hoping that I can maybe drop a llb or 2 before WI on Wednesday. I have drunk loads of water today and will do the same tomorrow. This has proved to be a very hard thing to get over, I felt like I was in shock today with a hollow pit in my stomach. The weekend has really scared me and has really woken me up to the fact that it would be really easy to put the weight back on really quickly. I have got to some how come with a diet that includes all food but in moderation and I am going to drink less booze for now I was extremely down after going out on Friday night. It's still a learning curve and I've still got a long way to go. I have definately got to get more sleep and do my best not to get tired. I told them at work today that the early starts need to come to an end at the end of the month. They have said they will sort things out so we will see.

Feeling a .....

little better now. I did sucumb to the mcmuffins this morning but then went down to my mum's and worked through alot of stuff with her. I'm going to follow up my the life coaching and also the scuba diving. I am just seeing out the day now I will have some tuna for my tea and then have an early night. I have got to be up at 4 in the morning again. I've also decided that work have till the end of august to stop the early mornings or at the very least alternative weeks. I can't cope with being tired all the time I'm absolutely sure its a trigger point for my binging.

Lost........

Isn't it amazing just how much you can eat when you put your mind to it. I ate 2 large packs of home wheat chocolate biscuits with 3 large snickers and topped off with a family bar of whole nut chocolate and also ate all my cheese and some cous cous as well. I wish I had an excuse or even a reason but there isn't any I'm just greedy and I like to abuse myself and sabotage any successes that I have. Who suffers from my actions only me I'm the one who feels lost and scared If I give in so easy to the urge to go buy chocolate and biscuits what hope have I got of managing my weight. I'm kinda lost at the moment I don't really know where I'm heading or what to do next. What do I want from my life? that's easy I want luv and someone to share my life with. Is that the problem I don't know where or how to find it. Did I think it was going to be easier once I lost weight and in truth it's harder now I'm slim because I got no where to hide. I need to put this weekend behind me and move on, I'm scared about next weekend all the family there and food and the knew slim me eating like it's going out of fashion, just to show them all that I'm going to be fat again in no time. Did I get anything out of last night I felt comforted while I was eating I was calm and happy and even now I don't really feel bad, just sad and disappointed. Even now I'm thinking about going to my mum's but stopping at mcdonalds on the way and having mcmuffins, why is that? where is it coming from? I'm feeling sad from what I've eaten and therefore need comfort, is food going help in the long term? No all that will happen is I will feel more sad and therefore need more comfort leading to more food. The vicious circle of this weekend will continue. If I don't eat what will happen? In the short term I will have a bit of a struggle but longer term I will benefit my body will be able to start dealing with my weekend off the wagon. This has been my biggest lapse of the last 5 months, that is one good thing that I can say about myself and the place I am right now. Is this where I'm at right now? the urge to buy mcmuffins is nearly over whelming why is it? where is it coming from? I really don't know what to do? I'm so lost.

Sabotage

I guess I know what happened last night I went out got drunk and then had ribs, chicken and chips followed by chocolate (lots of chocolate) I have done a thought log but to be honest I think its more about punishing myself and undermining the great weight loss I have done. This is something I have always done but it has been getting less lately. I don't like having to be in control and I think going out for a drink gave me the excuse to let go and binge. I believe I have got other issues to work through, such as low self esteem and lack of confidence. I think I'm going to look to maybe do some counselling, the weight loss is a great first step but I need to move onto the next thing now. I know there's more I need to do but I have absolutely no idea what it is. It could be that this is my lot but I want to try and see what else is out there and more importantly if there is more within me.

Proper food...

I just had home made spaghetti bolgnaise with pasta and it tasted great, I'm feeling full and satisfied as well so I'm just having a coffee and I'll have a yogurt later on after I've had my walk. I'm feeling so much more confident now that I've got the added reasurance of my body fat measurement, I'm so glad I bought them scales they are going to be so useful to me in the future. I'm only going to take 1 day at a time but I'm feeling very positive at the moment.

I went and had my top half waxed again this afternoon and I'm sure it hurt more this time than it did the first time, I was really smarting at times. Oh well no pain no gain I guess. I'm meeting the lads from work tomorrow night for a few drinks, It's about time I got myself out there and starting to live my new life.

Fantastic...

Doesn't always pay to save money, I wish I'd splashed out on the better scales a few weeks ago. My body fat percentage is really good at 17.2% therefore proving my thoughts that I was building muscle and it was that which was keeping my weight up. I will keep weighing myself everyday for the time being but I will be stretching the period towards once a week eventually. After talking to my LLC I'm going to start eating more normally, it's no good saying I'm not on the diet but secretly eating diet food. I have been living on mostly salads and these aren't able to give my body the energy it needs leading to my body wanting more food. The scales have given me the confidence that I can start eating in a more normal manor. The salad at lunchtimes is something I'll be continuing and also the raw vegetables for morning break which I really enjoy and find extremely fulling and sub staining. I'm going to try and cut down on my fruit and see what happens, I'm really hoping that I can continue eating fruit though as I luv fruit for breakfast and also my apples during the day. I have bought yogurt as replacement for an apple and nectarine so that's a start. I will make sugar free jelly this evening so I can have yogurt and jelly for sweet rather than fruit. I'm going to go out for a drink tomorrow night it's about time I went out and started showing off the new slim me. I'll sort out some decent clothes to wear as well and do my ironing.