success

I completed a big challenge today, 2 friends and I cycled down to my mum's down near durrington despite a wrong turn, which added 10 miles to the totally we completed the trip travelling in total 68.5 miles. I have to say at the end I felt really good we then went to the pub for a couple of beers and a carvery. According to my heart monitor thing I burnt 3300 callories which is fantastic. I'm aiming to cycle all through the winter which I'm hoping will keep my fitness levels up ready for next spring when I think the mileage will jump hugely.
My sessions with Mohamed are helping me no end, I'm getting to the point now where I can self annalize and work through my own problems and find good answers. I've still got a way to go but my confidence levels are growing week on week. I even filled out a profile for a dating site last night and although it needs a little work I'm very happy about putting down my good and positive sides of my nature. In the past I don't think I would have been happy doing that.

feeling more

relaxed today, I weighed myself again this morning and was 14 st 1 lb. When I gave it some thought there's no way I'm putting on weight as such. I am doing loads of exercise and I'm eating pretty well I'm not syaing I'm being a saint because I'm not but I'm below my calorie and fat target on nutracheck. I have just got to keep my head down and keep with it, it's goping to be a while before I finally trust myself to live a normal life around food. I'm really enjoying the cycling at the moment and we are making plans for some long trips next year, including hopefully London to Paris for charity, which will be a great buzz and something that would be a great accomplishment. I'm looking forward to a good weekend hopefully nice and chilled and relaxed.

gutted and shocked.

Weight 14 st 3 lb not a pleasant surprise this morning in fact I'm shocked and gutted, I'm wondering why or how everyone keeps saying all the exercise I'm doing I should be able to eat what I like for. I guess I can't I haven't eaten bad this week though and I cycled loads on Sunday I really can't work it out. I haven't binged since last Wednesday and as I say I have basically eaten sensibly. My only vice has been the odd bit of cheese and some small amounts of chocolate. I'm going to go back to weighing everyday I think just for a little while till I susse out what my body is playing at. It could be I'm putting on muscle, I still measure 35 inches round my waist which means I'm fine and have nothing to worry about I need to find someone to talk to about this, who knows what they are talking about. I will see what happens over the next week doing dailly weight checks and see how I go. I am heading up to Ray's tonight to book our holiday accomodation for Thailand, it'll be good to finally get it sorted out, only 6 weeks to go :-)

just Tuesday

It's hard to explain my feelings right now, for some reason I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I think this is to do with not having to prove myself to dad anymore but I'm not entirely sure. I need to look into it a little more. I feel very relaxed at the moment, tomorrow will be the big one with my weigh in but I'm pretty relaxed about it and I'm feeling great. Tonight will be a cycle ride just a little one hopefully around the 20 mile mark. Hopefully I'll get a buzz like I did on Sunday. I feel like I should be posting more on here sometimes and maybe share more. I'm going to work on it I think and see if there's more I'm not letting out.

lots to report

I've had a great weekend, where to start. This morning I cycled 45 miles and it was fantastic, I felt so good once I'd finished I was buzzed. Next week we are going to cycle to Worthing and then get the train back. Last night I met some friends for drinks and a meal and it was a great feeling just to be able to be normal I know with all the exercise I've been doing I can be normal and not have to worry about everything that I put in my mouth. Despite the drinks last night I woke up this morning feeling really good.
I had a great session with Mohamed yesturday we looked back at my binging and some of the reasons behind it. I felt rejected as I'd previously posted but when we looked at it deeper Rejection leads to failure and that was what I was really beating myself up about. The biggest surprise was that it leads to my Father and the fact that deep down I'm still trying to prove myself to him. This despite the fact that I don't talk to him. I'm intending to write a letter pointing out that I no longer have to prove myself to him, I don't think I'll actually post it to him but I will post it on here. I don't need to prove myself to anyone especially him. I'm looking forward to a good week this week I have got a problem to sort out at work but I'll make my mind up which course to go tomorrow. I went to a chinese buffet thing tonight for dinner it was very nice and again I didn't over eat. Tomorrow is going to be an interesting day I'm hoping I can make good choices.
Bargain of the week has to be Southern Railways day save tickets, you can have a group up to 4 ppl for £20 or £10 each and travel on any southern train off peak but thats bargain city as far as I'm concerned.

Saturday

I made it through to Saturday with no more binging so my blog Thursday helped top sort me out. I went out and cycled last night, I went 17.5 miles and was out for an hour and a quarter. I'm intending to add about another 5 miles to that next Tuesday. I felt good though and as long as I can get off my ass and get out there the ride isn't to hard. I have got a busy weekend ahead, I have got counselling this morning then I'm heading up to Ray's for a few drinks and a meal. Tomorrow I am going on a long cycle with Richard then heading back up to Ray's to book our holiday accommodation. I'm feeling positive again and it has been very rewarding to get through this week. I survived though and have grown in a good way.

Rejection

There are may reasons while Jill doesn't want a second date. I could have been to old ( not my fault and nothing I can do about it) I wasn't outgoing enough (this could be true but it's something that is I'm definitely improving on. I was a much better date this time than any I had been on before especially as it was a blind date. ) The way I look ( nothing I can do about this either except to say I am 1000% better looking than I was and again I'm improving all the time with the way I handle my new body) These reasons are all superficial they aren't anything deep, she only spent a few hours with me and I behaved like a gentleman through out. I paid for the whole date and I wasn't pushy. There is no real reason for me to feel down or rejected not for these reasons if we had been dating for 5 years and she rejected me then fine that's another matter completely but all logic and reason says what I have put myself through this week is an over reaction. This message is to my sub-conscious STOP OVER REACTING AND MAKING MORE OF A LITTLE REJECTION THAN IS REASONABLE PLEASE.

Today is the first morning of being over my 3 day binge I think I have found the reason that started it the fact Jill didn't want a second date as listed above. It took me 3 days to realise this as consciously I was / am feeling fine this was a deeper sub- conscious process thast just took over and lead to me doing what I have done in the past and comfort binged my way through it. I'm going to deal with my sub- concious mind on Saturday with Mohamed, I'm hoping we can look back at my feekings of rejection and go and look at it from all angles and I can deal with it in a different way and show my sub-concious a different way in future.

Today I'm taking all my money from my house and getting a freind to hold it for me so there won't be any binging tonight or today while at work. Tonight I'm going to go cycling and I'll be doing the same tomorrow. I'll see how I feel Saturday before agreeing to go out for a few beers I'm cycling on Sunday with Richard and I need to just take it easy on myself at the moment. I'm not going to feel down or punish myself for the last 3 days as long as I learn from the experience then it's not wasted. There is some great stuff on minimums this week on self sabotage that I'm reading and trying to take on board.